The Pilgrimage Road

June 4th, 2004

I read the "Arrival" Chapter in the Art of Pilgrimage. It was amazing how much reflected on my experiences thus far. This morning began somewhat uneasily. I'd had a double nightmare. The first part was that calling out to my male friend to be with me on my left side had called his Spirit from him and I received word that he had died by falling down a vent and suffocating. In the dream another friend gave me the news and was pretty quick to confirm it was my fault. God I hope he's okay. Then the second nightmare involved a bear swiping at the tent and me too paralyzed and ignorant of how to use my "bear banger" without igniting the tent. Fears surfacing….

Morning consisted of washing my hair in lake water, rinsing it out with bowls of water and then sticking my head in the lake when I figured the shampoo was mostly out of my hair. There is something luxurious about lake water washed hair!!! It is a biodegradable organic type of shampoo but I am haunted by the thought that I might add to the pollution for the sake of my vanity!!

I read the final bit of Cousineau's "Arrival" Chapter about Offering. What do I have to offer? I didn't bring tobacco. To give away the things I need to unload doesn't seem appropriate. What do I have?....The shepherd boy syndrome. "Offering myself and my heart" just doesn't seem enough….and Offering for me as a thank you to do/be what??

The "longing" has been evoked.
Longing to do this Pilgrimage "right"……
Longing for more of the Holy…..
Longing for Purpose….

It's like a "reaching Prayer"….reaching for a Something that I don't even know or recognize yet.

Spoke with a lovely Vancouver couple--- Melissa & Kevin talked about various things and then spoke about the dialects of Orca pods.
Longing again….to hear and see the Orca.
They spoke of being in kayaks and having the Orca move gently around them.
Longing…Longing for the freedom to Kayak close to the comfort of the waters of the Ocean.
Longing to Communicate with the Orca.

I hiked gently along the boardwalk of a fragile bog
area. Then took a steep but not that strenuous hike
up to a look out point that has an Awesome View. As I was going up my I was reminded of Jesus being tempted from the mountain top. When I arrived to the view I wondered what my temptations might be. As I sat and looked upon the glorious landscape before me the sun came out for the
first time today….and with it's light unfolding my
Temptations surfaced:

1. To give up on life, purpose, pilgrimage…myself

2. To cling to the belief that I don't have a place to fit in, belong or be part of a healthy Life of the planet.

3. That I won't dream BIG enough for my Heart and Purpose.

I'm scared. In the sub chapter, "Circling the Center", Cousineau speaks of the questions we carry and that emerge on the journey. "What is my purpose" is mentioned. The irony is, that when I went on a pilgrimage with my Oldest Daughter to San Francisco in 1997 I asked her to ask that very question when she walked the Labyrinth. She was 19, had finished high school but was uncertain of what direction she wanted to go in. It was that week while we were together that she "discovered" in herself, what she wanted to do…Art College. Her dream of hard work has just been made fully manifest…she has Just graduated from ART COLLEGE, having won a student choice award and respect from her professors. Here I AM, not certain what I am longing for, what my purpose is or what I want to be when I grow up.

It's why I find the beginnings of Strathcona Lodge so inspiring. The Bouldings had a dream that involved outdoor education, adventure, risk, family & Lifestyle….and they have grown the dream into reality. They are "retiring" Living and Working their Dream.

Too many of my dreams have been recalled or more, moved to violent closure. Ministry…Some major Spiritual Brutality in spiritual groups of people……..I thought I would marry my Daughters & preach and do pastoral care fill in, in my retirement. 3 marriages….all involved in some form of violence, and I need major healing time.

Then, Invested $17,00 and 8 months in hard work in school and weekend courses to pursue a dream of physical fitness trainer with a Healing difference…only to burn out multi~dimensionally. I took that as a no, to that dream. I recall a quote from Douglas Hall, "Vocation is sometimes determined by Disability as much as Ability".

This last year I have been investing my life savings to live/thrive heal, only to alienate and outrage my daughters. All lmy dreams to be a loving understanding mother with a wonderful relationship with my daughters has exploded and I'm not sure why…I thought I was showing vast improvement.

Too many investments, offerings, commitments…
too much effort, passion, life force have been put
out toward a dream.

Too many broken dreams.
Too much Heart break.

And then I remember my recent relationship with
a Beloved male Spiritual companion.
He's wonderful, kind, patient, life affirming,
fun, inspirational, intimate, loving.

While he wanted more commitment, I have needed to be present to my journey. It was a real temptation to let my own vision go, and do a Peace trip with a Man such as that. I did need to pray, to stay with my own centre. And I am aware of my own hang-ups…20 year difference……. and yes the question of changing our celibate relationship to the possibility of Sacramental Fun, Fulfilling sex still haunts me. Another deep longing.

This friend has touched me, affirmed me, heard me, seen me, appreciated me like no other man ever has. That is a precious gift ….especially to start a healthy pattern of choosing healthy relationships to nurture.

I'm afraid to dream this into my life. What if it fails or becomes poisoned like the other relationships??

What if my whole life is destined to backfire and make people's lives worse.

I couldn't bear that again. NOT AGAIN. I want to have purpose, to love and have a rich sex life, and to give and receive in a Sacred & Cherishable manner. I don't want to belong to the darkness of violence and destruction any more. Enough is enough for ALL lifetimes. ( guess the pilgrimage is already taking, isn't it??!!)

Cripes. I know why this Strathcona thing touches me so deeply. I did my counselor~in~training at 14 years old on John Island in Lake Huron. At 16 I went to Bark Lake Leadership Camp….and just found out an older friend of mine did too!!! My undergrad was pursuing a dream in recreation. Physical Fitness & Healing were going to blend that dream. I even had hopes of becoming a certified hiking trail leader through a programme with the city after I had done the PFT course.

I don't seem to be dreaming the "right" dreams. I've tried so hard to give them life.

What the Hell is going on???

Even now, I want to be a Holy Wise Woman, Connected to the Light Source without becoming a prudish, all patient martyred saint. I like swearing. I want to live Life in ALL its fullness. I want to discover a dream of purpose that will call all of my passions forth and be part of transforming my planet into a more compassionate and Shalom based way of being in the Universe.

On the way down from Temptation Mountain and View Awesome I was trying to get pictures of what struck me as Delicate Feminine Sources of Nature. Tiny, intricate yet simple flowers. Indian maiden fern, roses, violets, wild strawberries other plants with a lacy feminine look to them. Tiny, simple, delicate, fragile, lacy feminine.

Part of me wants to exude that kind of gentleness…but not in a way that Sacrifices my Strength. it’s the paradox~~Strong Wild woman/compassionate, tender & physically dainty & Powerful…..not, as one high school peer commented, being perceived as strong as a horse when one is a chubby teen.

I am realizing I couldn't go on this pilgrimage with anyone. There is too much for me to Hear and Process. I would drive a companion nuts with the intensity and volume of Spirit & life moving through me & my brain. I mean look how much I write.

The ocean is still calling me. I will be looking for a place where I can learn my lessons from her. To Listen, Experience & Become.




God help me, God guide me, God heal me,
God use my journey for our planet's pilgrimage
toward deep resonating authentic peace.
Amen.


P.S. When I finished writing, I wondered what to
do next. I decided to make a fire. As I did I realized
it was time to let my fears and anxieties burn away…a kind of purifying/refining process releasing all the Loss and Fear I had just written about. Lots of fear to fuel the fire. I then circled the fire 9 times~~~9 being a number for wholeness I read somewhere. The wind came up quickly fanning the fire. The Spirit is raising a Phoenix from the Ashes of Fear. So Be It.