The Pilgrimage Road

June 3, 2004

Here I am on an old makeshift dock on the shoreline of Upper Campbell Lake--halfway between Campbell River & Gold River. It is absolutely spectacular. When I looked out and saw "Treasure Island" I was struck by the similarity of my "Eastern Pines" Painting.
In need to take a few shots to blow up as my "Western Pines".

It has been an eventful two days. Yesterday I neatly folded my still somewhat damp tent on the sunniest day with blue sky that I have seen since I got out here. Keen I was, for my first "pilgrimage steps"~~~I have had a lot of first pilgrimage steps. It was to be the delightful beginning of a day of Outrageous Challenges, Comedy, & Learning. To begin with I have too much "stuff"---about 10 pounds worth of too much stuff. Negotiating an upright walking position was in itself a Challenge for me, so heavy was my pack. Ah, yes, and then as I trekked up hill avoiding logging & gravel trucks, the nice wide shoulder I was walking on disappeared at the 5 K mark!! I know because the "Universe" thoughtfully inspired road makers to place 5 k makers along Hwy #28!!!

Further along the shoulder~less, twisting, narrow highway I gave notice to the Cross marking Raz's death at one of those roadside shrines to Death on the Road. Talk about a Sign to remind me I am taking my life in my hands.!!!...More lumber & gravel trucks cruise by It has rained so much in the week I have been here, that my new heavy weight status sinks my waterproof boots into the gravelly soil of what is considered a "shoulder". I am reminded that to truly Engage in Life and Pilgrimage is to offer one's whole life to the process...

"I want to make 20k today," I kept saying to myself. And I forgot to mention that the first 5 took me an hour and a half……and that's when I was fresh!!

My feet started to burn in my wonderful leather waterproof boots. A change of 3 pairs of socks, application of moleskin and more rest breaks and pack adjustments than I ever dreamed possible. Every vehicle~~~especially the big trucks~~~that went by I could FEEEL their thoughts of, "Who the hell is that crazy woman. She's not using the brains God gave her. As if my job isn't stressful enough on the road, now I'm supposed to dodge crazy women!!!"

The pack became so f#$%^&* heavy that when I missed a step I was close to falling over into the road in places. The fear & ridiculousness of it all was very present to me~~~fortunately my absurd sense of humour was looking at myself, shaking its head dryly. " F__K" is not a word I've heard devout pilgrims think or use……once I heard a retreatant use it….it was certainly a discharge from this pilgrim…in my mind at least…..I had to save my breathing for walking. Two of my friends who told me my "intentions" are "wrong" for this pilgrimage and my sister's doubt of my sanity echoed loudly through my mind.

As I reflect, I am impressed at my sense of purpose….I was INTENT on heading west toward Gold River, and temptations to turn around only fleeting. My humorous self was very present laughing at me.

Then there were the corners of the "highway" with cement corner traffic guards AND NO shoulder. There was about a foot of asphalt on the side of the traffic guard away from the main road….and then below at a sharp angle through gravel, bush to swamp. Using the traffic guard as a handrail with BOTH hands, I managed to painstakingly balance my load and side step carefully along the corners. There is nothing like lack of shoulder space on the road to increase one's prayer life…..

Besides calling for Jesus & St. Francis, I called (inwardly of course because I still needed my breath) Raphael the Archangel--he has a connection to pilgrims as well as healers!!...And a few of my dearest friends I wished were with me……..As I passed the 15 k marker my body was not happy with me. I was getting to the point of wanting to hitchhike to make it to my 20k.

The Peace Pilgrim stories of waiting for Benevolence started to taunt me. Then there were the memories of friends saying, "Look after YOURSELF", and I realized how much WEIGHT I am carrying in my First Aid Bag. It was a team pack!!....in case I had to help someone!! What was I thinking?............my programming to "help" others had gone into the Essential Load for MY journey!!!

Stories of pioneers who end up dumping stuff on the side of the trail, or the West coast hikers who leave stuff on the side of the trail….went through my mind like a video. My daughter, who, when she went traveling, mailed clothes home 'cause there "wasn't little enough".

My body hurt and I could not force myself to walk much further. There was no place to pitch a tent because the Road and Rock "hill" were so close together. I reached a place where a car could pull over.

Prayers to admit my foolishness at my load…OF LIFE PATTERNS THAT HAVE GOTTEN IN THE WAY OF KEEPING MYSELF SAFE AND THE EASE OF JOURNEY THAT HAPPENS WITH A LIGHT LOAD….As I contemplated on the Peace Pilgrim and her needs for survival just showing up in divine timing, I began feeling so unworthy that I was considering hitchhiking.....who was I to undertake such a grand task as a Prayer of Peace Pilgrimage?? Even with my laboured breath and complaining body, my still small voice could be heard quite clearly all of a sudden: "That was Her journey. On Your journey, You have to ask."

"Okay God, You said ASK"…I stuck out my thumb and in a universal language asked for a ride. Within 5 minutes a fellow stopped and picked me up saying he was going as far as Strathcona Lodge---halfway between Campbell River & Gold River AND there was free camping in a forestry spot within a quarter mile from the lodge right on Upper Campbell Lake. He drove me to the campsite and told me some people working at the Lodge lived in Gold River and could be asked for a ride. The day was beautiful ~~ the campsite with a View of the Lake ~~ and no one Else here. Plus, I could get a meal at the lodge once a day. With the Beauty of this place I want a chance to take it in a bit. Blessings upon Blessings. There is no way I could have walked through the road the young man drove me through. Nothing but slope on both sides of the road and I wouldn't know where to look for a "free campsite" let alone one with a spectacular view.

The Young Man of 36 (gee can you tell I'm over 50 ~_~) had rec'd his certification for various mechanical things and I believe wilderness stuff. He is starting at SAIT in August for an Aviation course of some kind. His girlfriend, who works at Strathcona Lodge, is going east to Calgary with him. He likes thin in a straight line, he says. Yet his life has been filled with spirals of new certifications and travels. Aviation, eh??...he certainly was a Rescuing Angel for me.

I took time in setting up my tent, making certain the main door faced West to the Lake. I Thanked My Body profusely for being so strong and taking me as far as it did with such a heavy load…unnecessary heavy load. I've decided to use my pendulum to help my lactic acid move on through as well as help my spinal alignment. I've been having almost weekly Chiropractic appointments the last number of years, and it is only faith that allows me to believe that my back can take this. Miraculously my SI joint is fine---I can bend over better than I've been able to for months……..mmmmmmmm.

Today has been filled with Holy Moments & reflection. The Presence of a Close friend has been with me today…I've never felt that before. There must have been a lot more Spirit Bonding with that person that I thought. ….More "Spirit connection" than I was aware of happening at the time.

I am enjoying a day of Blessing following a day of Great Challenge. I've arranged a ride to Gold River for 5:30 Saturday. There is a lunch buffet served for less than a $10. Strathcona Lodge really has some remarkable roots and declarations. Organic foods, and products are available at the tuck shop. The Lodge was created by two Secondary Teachers that had had a Vision to create an outdoor education Centre and resort. One of the owners, Myrna, is off to be with her daughter who will be giving birth to her first child and Myrna's 7th or 8th grandchild. The resort & the view are all quite Inspirational. Leaves me wanting to bring my Spiritual Reflection gifts to a place like that. My Leadership, camping and Recreation roots still run deep. I'll go there for lunch tomorrow and Saturday and pick up energy bars for need. I'm finding one meal a day sufficient. Yesterday I had 200c al of fruit bar and was fine. In fact the exertion and heat left me somewhat nauseous--had lots of water though.

When I got back from lunch I went for a hike/walk with my eye on reaching a peninsula I can see from the beach in front of my tent. The relatively easy to follow path through the bush led instead to a creek flowing into the lake. I loved the gently cascading Water and growth. I was amazed at the strength the spring floods must be to bring down the number of logs and wood debris down to the lake. I put two hand fulls of water on my face, renewing my baptism. I made the sign of the cross, repeating with it My 4 Directions and 4 Totems …
East: Eagle;
South: Cougar;
West; Bear;
North: White Buffalo.

I asked to be led to the lake through the debris with the least damage. Easy. When I got to the lake side, I felt like my feet needed to be blessed by the creek water.

Then I sat on an old weather beaten log, with just the right curve for my bum and beheld what was before me. I began singing and listening. I haven't given myself "space" to sing in the Spirit in a long time….and the tune and the jist of which was, "Behold, I make all things New…Each Breath we breathe, each whisper of a breeze, each glimmer of sunlight on the water…Each one is new and unique. The New Creation is continually part of us, surrounding us, being made new in us." It was a very Holy moment with the Creator moving through me Singing a New Song". Discovering what SongLines are to me/for me….Singing…Listening!! Singing As Clearing, Transforming……

Interesting too, because I had trouble finding the path on the way back. I bush stamped a bit and then went back to the creek to begin again. I was still anxious I couldn't find my way out. I was reminded of the Israelite in the wilderness, when, they experienced provision and Divine Presence, and yet were anxious and afraid soon after. Even having found "the path" I was anxious and uncertain. It threw me, because I am good at getting where I need to go with confidence …even better at getting home. I realized that my left side, facing the edge of the steep slope down was feeling more vulnerable than my right side. In some healing wisdom the left side of the Body is our Feminine and the right Masculine….and then I recalled the number of times a Dear Male Friend chose to deliberately walk on my left side when we would walk somewhere together. My generation doesn't do that anymore. When I asked that I feel my friend's presence on my left side (we were Spiritual Companions and I had permission) it was amazing how fast my anxiety subsided and my feeling of being safe & protected grew substantially.

I don't understand this. It is new. I've never considered calling upon someone's presence to be with me who is living.....I hope he's are still living. As for reflections on yesterday's calamities….

(1) I had read about the challenges of the pilgrimage in Cousineau's book two days before. I found it strange, because the real challenge that emerges in retreat comes half way through in my silent Retreat Rhythm. I had told myself the big Challenges wouldn't be until July!!! Wrong!!! This, I learned is a pilgrimage not a retreat. Apparently they are two different things of which I am about to learn.



(2) The stuff I packed to "take care of myself" is too much. They are impeding the freedom and comfort and dare I say, the safety of my journey. I am learning even more deeply and thoroughly how I can thrive on very little "stuff". Deciding what will go will be a telling process. What I want to do is that I let go of all the unhealthy thoughts in my life represented in the Stuff I send home. I want to be a Sacrament of What I need to Let go of In my Life as well as what New Paths and Choices I need to make for My "Life in all It's Fullness" Sake. Like what I exchanging what I think Ministry "Should" look like for me,for being present to what may unfold Ministry is for me. ….Letting go of wanting my parents and daughters to see the light that is in me and that I am growing to be ….Allowing myself to receive forgiveness and what I understand as reconciliation with my Daughters. And I need to let go of what I think a romantic and sexual relationship "Should Look Like." I guess that's a start!!!

(3) This journey needs to continue to have as little far range planning as I can because this is my Living Parable/Portal where I encounter the Holy….my Archetype for my Life. To have begun my pilgrimage with an over weight knapsack helped me "get the Depth of Reality of how much Non Essentials I carry in life". I have no lingering regret (other than feeling the inevitable pinch of financial loss) on lessening my load, because of the Healing and Insight that accompanies the process. It is the Way I can Identify deeply ingrained habits that are not for my well being. I am reminded of My Body being a Sacrament of Divine Guidance.

I am trembling with this Reality. The Journeying is the WAY of Healing and Transformation at a very Core level. All is Sacramental---Visible happenings of God's Invisible Grace and Healing in my life. I am blessed indeed to take this opportunity.


(4) My Journey is different from the Peace Pilgrims. I am to ask for what I need. Hitch hiking is asking for a ride. One of the themes that came up for me when I emailed the stories around the masks is the strong Wise~Wild~ Woman of Compassion. That involves claiming My Power. Asking in order that I can receive what I need. This will require a courageous humility from me. Yet in order to look after myself, that is what I think I hear the Spirit guiding me toward.

(A humming bird has buzzed me for the second time, I hear it, but haven't seen it yet. Like Joy being near at hand, and soon I will Drink its Nectar.)

I remember reading an Alban Institute book on Power and its definition was "power is the ability to get what you want and need". Moving out of a submissive , sacrificial, and martyr type of faith into one of Co-Creation of my Life and Choices with the Creator, is the direction of Personal Power I want to root in.

"Ask and you shall receive."…the words that came with my first Real Encounter with the Sacred Presence, at 18 years old.

My Time is Now.


I think its time to just to Be……See…….& Listen