Monday, July 26, 2010

The Pilgrimage Road

June 12, 2004

It has been an eventful few days. It's a good thing I brought I calendar, because it's easy to loose track of the days.

Thursday, June 10, I boarded the U Chuck III about 6:30 am. It was a beautiful day to spend on a freighter/passenger ferry. It's an ex-mine sweeper so as I reflect there is a conversion of A War Use to Peaceful Ones….so appropriate for my Peace pilgrimage.

It stopped at quite a number of lumber camps and fish farms along the way delivering goods. Having just read about the environmental challenge of the Salmon Farms it was with mixed feelings I viewed them. The clear cut logging broke my heart. How do we supply work in the bush, so people can make a living without doing "lung appendectomy" on our Planet's oxygen producers??



We even saw Heli~logging with front row seats.
The other passengers were guessing how much it costs a day. Then there was the debate of how much fuel is needed for the heli~ logging vs. the less damage the helicopter method does to the forests. Who knows???~~~ and then one sees the waste of logs that have broken loose and washed ashore. Beachcombing lumber isn't acceptable unless one pays for a permit. According to the law that has forbidden its gleaning because of logging rustlers.

One of the little settlements we stopped at was an evangelical community called Esperanza. It is operated by a group called the Shantymen. What touched me was the blurb under the name on the dock: "A place of Hope, Healing & Refuge. Apparently there used to be a Hospital there according to a passenger on the boat. Fred, the captain indicated they were serving mainly First Nations. The isolation of the place was overwhelming to me. I was touched with how dedicated and how clear a call must be for people to take on that kind of ministry. Quite moving, Indeed.







We dropped off 6 kayakers near Rosa Harbour. Quite interesting, as the Kayakers were in their kayaks full loaded when they were placed into the Ocean~~~ near open waters.

Then we were traveling in the "real Ocean". Although it was sunny the wind was high and cold. I stood against the cabin in front until I got too wet to do more. So I stayed up front standing, letting myself moth with the rhythm of the waves. It was glorious. A good intro to the ocean.


The next stop was Kyoqot. I had hoped to see the Sea Otters, and this was the closest accessible community from which to see them. What I didn't realize was that the Uchuck warf is on "Walter Island"~~~with not much "space" to camp above tide lines.. When I went into the General Store to ask for two names Captain Fred had given me to ask about camping, I was literally laughed at. I was already feeling vulnerable. Then a run a round phoning, asking, checking with someone re: water taxi (who wouldn't even talk to me directly!!!) to take me somewhere to camp…..different options between an Island with no water, Brooks Pennisula to the north and Rugged Point to the South. As Providence provided, the sister of the woman who runs the General Store told me I could have an accommodations place for free since she had a no show for bed and breakfast. I took it with much gratitude.

I spent the evening inside….accomodation with shared bathroom, livingroom/Kitchen and with a big Window overlooking the warf and the Uchuck. I had a talk with a woman who commented on the Kyuquot sense of humour. I found it ridiculing….one needs to be a tough cookie to withstand the barbs. She also talked, when I asked, about not having close friends in Kyuquot. She spends a lot of time talking to her closest friend long distance. The rumour mill is too devastating in an Island community and the trust level poor as a result. She had talked about having lived in a couple of cities, but she missed the ocean too much to stay away. I don't think I could survive in a place like Kyuquot. There is absolutely no privacy. A joke such as myself becomes instantaneous news and an object for mocking. Anyway out of our talk I decided to camp at Rugged Point Marine Park.

After a glorious sleep and the UChuck passengers had boarded the Uchuck III, I phone Archie Vincent to water taxi me to Rugged Point. It will cost $120.00 round trip, but I pray I will be provided for. I am planning on Fasting and Praying for a week (when the Uchuck returns once a week) and that is at least easy on the food bill!!! Archie will pick me up around noon on Thursday next week so I can catch the Uchuck~~~weather permitting

I had checked out the "inside" & "outside" beach at Rugged Point and set up my tent by 12:00. Archie was gracious. I got off at the park with my packsack and made it to the Beach without falling into the Ocean balancing on the rock. My only injury was a huge sliver in my left hand. I got most of it out~~~looks worse than it actually is.

Then I explored tidal pools near my campsite. Wondrous things they are. I still find sea animals awesome. Then I went to the outside beach. This one where the path ends is fairly small. The undergrowth all along the shore and either side of the path is super dense. I would need a very sharp machete to clear any of it. No wonder there are maintained Marine Parks, …. tent sites are needed if one has not brought bush wacking tools with them!!!

Exploring the Southern Rock tidal pools I came across a path over to the next beach. WHAT A BEACH!!! Miles and miles of beautiful Sand. A few sand dollars here and there but quite clean. I thought I'd see how my bear banger works. I'm glad I did. Not only does it make a horrific noise, but it does give off a discharge. Soo,….if I am attacked while in the tent I need to open the door zipper enough to get my hand and the bear banger out to discharge…..otherwise I will have a hole or fire in my tent. Good to know. ~_+

I was also looking for a drinking water source. I didn't go far enough for the river but seagulls did lead me to a spring.

Not knowing when the tide will rise or fall keeps me on alert. In my exploration I discovered Buoys mark campsites for ocean travellers. Some are very rugged. One was next to a huge cliff like rock which would be between the tent and the Ocean. Looked to cold and damp for me even though it would provide a lot of shelter from the Westerlies.

So here I am on a Saturday, having spent all day in the sleeping bag. The monsoon rains have begun. I still find it amazing that there can be a steady downpour for 24 hours with no break. It should help me move into silence & listening more. I am praying the selfish prayer of keeping the inside of this tent & my sleeping bag DRY. I've gone thru my prayers of the people.

One lovely moment that happened Friday while I was waiting for Archie to pick me up0. A gentleman came off of a 34 foot sailing boat asking me if I was the only other "tourist" to be found in Kyuquot. When I answered in the affirmative we got talking. He & his wife are traveling around Vancouver Island. When I mentioned I was a former minister, he said his wife would like to speak with me.

Apparently, Joanne, is finishing up her PHD at St. Stephens in Alberta. She has been focusing on art as an expression of Spirituality~~~Nature is her medium. Needless to say, Hildegard de Bingen has been a major resource for her as well. Interesting though, when I mentioned that leaving the church brought shields or fences down, she told me that was what her dissertation is all about.

Joanne shared a bit of her story. She was a post Vaticant II Roman Catholic who always prided herself at being open minded. Then she went to an Ecumenical conference and found it changed her. Fences came down that she didn't even realize she had!!!

I would have loved to talk more but Archie and his Water Taxi arrived. What a syncronistic moment in the Kyuquot Harbour!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Pilgrimage Road

June 7th, 2004

I had had the sense that I needed to knock on the "Church House" door and ask for the Ministry of Hospitality since Friday evening. It is awkward and embarrassing to think about doing this let alone actually carrying through.

However, Emerald Star, a Charismatic Christian of half Jewish and Half Icelandic heritage invited me in. She commented she was an "emotional wreck" recovering from many illnesses and a daughter's visit. She had just asked God for a handmaiden. I have needed re-grouping time wanting to give back for food and shelter. Seems like a fit.

I'm trying to write of 48 hours---an overwhelming 48 hours. Emerald shared many miraculous faith stories. I am having some difficulty with the evangelical "limits" around what is "Christian" and what isn't. A lot of difficulty to be honest. Yet, here is a woman who prays constantly, who really does hear her Guide and Lord speak to her thru scripture and in her head. That Emerald Star IS a Portal to the Holy I have no doubt. I left her for an hour to pray about whether it was "okay" for me to stay and she got 3 scripture passages. The one that blew me away was 3 John: 2-8:
Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you that
you may be in good health, just as it is well with
your soul. I was overjoyed when some of the friends
arrived and testified to your faithfulness to the
truth. I have no greater joy than this, to hear
that my children are walking in the truth.
Beloved, you do faithfully whatever you do for
the friends, even though they are strangers to
you they have testified to your love before the
church. You will do well to send them on a manner
worthy of God: for they began their journey for the
sake of Christ, accepting no support from non-believers.
Therefore we out to support such people, so that we
may become co~workers with the truth.


She has told me that Gold River is considered to be the Western Gateway to Canada. That Friendly Cove, which has been one of the places I've wanted to go since I read about the Sea Otter King Maquinna, as a place where all four winds meet.

Emerald Star also seems to be very knowledgeable about a gathering of Jewish people from persecuting places of the world, to eventually bring them back to Israel. Many are being brought secretly out of Russia apparently. One man is looking at a plan to bring them out by ship to Canada and Emerald informed him that Friendly Cove has a different experience of the tides that makes it an ideal location for such a destination. Friendly Cove is also the most Western part of Canada.

I am overwhelmed with this. Apparently there are people in Canada and the States preparing homes with secret rooms to hide the Jews like in Nazi threatened Europe in WW II. When I expressed I didn't understand the need for all this secrecy, Emerald said that the Anti Semitism of the planet is growing very vicious and thus the need for save havens for Jews.

My mind is boggled.

Sunday I spent time doing a lot of laundry. Emerald is renting this Church House and despite the fact it has 3 good size bedrooms they have only supplied a very small sized washer drier. We went to the grocery store and happened to catch some of the Pet Contest and decorated boots all part of the Blossoming Boot Festival. The 64k walk to Tahsis is all part of the same thing. A friend of Emerald has a boxer who won the most handsome pet!!

While we wandered through a gift store there was a bookmark with the sea otters on it and a quote from Revelation 7:3: "Hurt not the earth….Neither the see nor the trees…."……again "End Time stuff".
Oh, yes, another part of Emerald's discussion Saturday evening was on the Rapture. I haven't had discussions about that since I was in Goulais River in the summer of 76….28 years ago. Then I was informed that there were people ready with ships, planes and automobiles to take Christians to the Wilderness during Armageddon or something. The stuff with the gathering of the persecuted Jews has the same flavour. It all sounds too out there, too foreign, too other worldly for me to compute…yet here it is….again.

And I discovered a card with the Image of my "Learning to Dream Big"….complete with my own totem Cougar as part of the Image.

Today I was planning on a low-key day. HA!!!! I unloaded a very full dishwasher and started catching up journaling. Emerald got up around 11:00 and we talked more. Then around 1:00 her son~in~law, Raphael phoned from Vancouver to say her daughter was in tears. Another call and it came out her daughter was trying to leave because they had hit each other. Between Emerald star and myself on the phone, Emerald's son was called to the rescue, her daughter is out of the house and we are exhausted.

I bought a box to put stuff in to mail but it's not big enough. I need to figure out what I'm doing!! At this point I'll stop and do a little.

10:10 pm

Holy God,
Help.
I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am worried about what to mail home and not pay a fortune. I don't know when I'm to go again or where I travel to by boat. Help. As I sleep Please Clarify.

Post Script.



I didn't journal much in Gold River after this. As I look at the pictures I took certain memories flood my mind. Emerald's Daughter and Grand~daughter arrived and I was able to take the little one out for a walk and playground while mother and daughter had time together.














The Mountains that surrounded Gold River reminded me of Mount Sinai…..hidden by cloud, I felt as thought it would be easy to climb to the top to have a conversation with God. Interesting too, when you think how dominated my thinking has been about the Jewish history for freedom.

When I told Emerald my first name was Deborah, she said, "Oh, a Warrior Woman"….gave me a whole different sense of my first name. Her house was decorated with Butterflies and her china with a Blue heart…..many symbols of my journey…..even the domestic violence her daughter and grandchild were escaping from….all themes of my pilgrimage for Peace.

Emerald shared with me the "origins" of her name….a Spiritual name that she received through prayer and mediation. It seemed only appropriate that I would give her the little silver 6 pointed star I had worn around my neck for the last year or so….. reminding me of the Shekinah….the Radiant indwelling Presence of God….and for Emerald Star….her very name.

I am grateful for Emerald's Hospitality. I wish her Peace in all her dreams and endeavours….and to thank her for being a Portal to the Holy.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Pilgrimage Road

June 5, 2004

This has been a very full day. I had taken something to help sleep last night--the wind had been so strong I was concerned. I'd never let myself drift off with the wind like that. Consequently, I had a great sleep I don't have to get up and pee when I take something, so my sleep is quite restful. I then packed everything away to go~~~I am figuring out better ways to pack my tent. I decided to give my 1st aid kit to Strathcona lodge. Never fear., I'm keeping just enough for myself….moleskin, anti biotic ointment, moleskin, anti viral ointment, moleskin….you get the picture. Then when I put the pack sack in Gaye's car (my good Samaritan)I gave her the "chair" for driving me to Gold River. I never did use it and quite frankly I bought it because my Chiropractor suggested it.

I was going to hang out at the lodge, because I could not get warm enough tenting, and it kept tempting to rain. As lunch was served I filled my plate and went to sit in a booth in the "Canoe Club" that has a spectacular view of the lake. A woman came in and somehow it came up she was from Beamsville, Ontario. I know where Beamsville is. I know it that there is a retirement home for ministers. I mentioned this and the fact I was a former mainline minister and the woman exclaimed, "You are??? My husband is a retired Presbyterian minister and my daughter is a Salvation Army Officer." As her husband came in she said, "Frank, this woman is a former minister too". Whereupon Frank slid into my booth and we had an interesting collegial "chat". He was raised in the Reform Tradition~~Dutch Reform~~ and did his ministry training in Michigan then settled in Abbotsford. Then he asked what I was doing know.

"I feel called to go on a peace pilgrimage to the Ocean to Listen."

"There is only one Call", he said (still not clear what that means in his theology or understanding other than the Call to Christ~consciousness). But then he asked the BIG question.



"To whose voice are you listening? Many voices want to be heard. To whose voice are you listening to?"

Great Question. Got me asking it of myself. After he left I did some reflecting.

One of my friends considers Jesus her "main man" and yet also gets guidance from Djwal Khul.

Another friend, staunch catholic, in the Irish Liberated way, is listening to the teachings the Azurites as well as Jesus.

Who do I or who can I identify that I listen to??

My voice, Jesus, St. Francis, The Planet, Spirit, Kwan Yin. Gnesha….
let alone friends and author mentors such as Morton Kelsey, Jean Vanier, Hildegard De Bingen, St. Teresa of Liseaux, Caroline Myss,….



Who am I calling on to speak to me?? Who do I want to hear?

Frank made a comment about the Incarnated Christ….

Yes…I hold a Truth that Christ is an Incarnation of the God Spirit. It is Jesus the Christ that I hold as my chief mentor, guide, way to follow.

I experience Christ incarnated in the planet, people, the Ocean. For me, it is listening to living Parables which Incarnate the Christ Truth. I had said that to Frank, that the Prophets of Hebrew tradition frequently looked at what was happening in nature and "heard a word of the Lord".

Holy One,
Source of Life,
Creator of the Universe,
I am cold with longing and uncertainty.
I need your abundance and guidance as I learn how to receive that abundance.

I need warmth, shelter, community for a few days to re group….To take another look at my load and disperse what is now frivolous.

I need to hear how & what path I need to take to the Ocean.

I need to experience clearly whose voice I am hearing and responding to.

I am needing reassurance of the Universal as well as Personal worth of this journey.

Sharing my forming understandings & thoughts is vulnerable. To think I preached every Sunday from a similar place is quite awesome.

I need a place to cry, to pray, to sing!! Perhaps there is a church Sanctuary I could stay in like Samuel did as a lad in the tabernacle.

All I can do is ask.

Is there a convent/a Holy room for reflection somewhere?

As I look at the little map I have of Gold River, I notice the manse/rectory for the Anglican and United Church. I get this "niggly" that I need to Ask for the Ministry of Hospitality, and I pray that if that is just me, that that Idea will evaporate. I find it really difficult to do put myself out at risk like that. And yet the faith stories I have read are filled with serendipitous timing for those traveling in the Spirit.

I am not earning an income right now, God, and it is a thoughtform around being/proving I am of Economic worth that is haunting me right now….financial abuse is what I experienced in my last marriage. Because I do not have an Economic worth in this culture I am dealing with a thoughtform that says I do not then deserve abundance if I do not contribute to the economy per se.

Whose voice? I think Jesus is guiding me.

Prepare ye the way….praying for Peace.

The last supper goodbye and labyrinth with friends.

I am going away, and where I am going you cannot come. Therefore, love one another.
I'm remembering how much I wanted to have my friends meet each other before I left. I couldn't be there for them, so I was giving them an opportunity to look after each other on my behalf.

Another comforter will come.

Behold, I make all things new.

Temptations on a high place.

The paradox of the spirit communicating Christ's Presence AND Absence. Christ in us, and Christ's coming again. And then the Longing, which itself, in Hebraic tradition is a sign of a Deep Spiritual journey….

The Sense of the spirit saying to me the last 24 hours, "I go to prepare a place for you"

The fire ~~~being refined and the Baptism of Fire

Presence of Wind and Fire last night are Hebraic words for God's Presence.

The Song promise I hear in my heart: I've got a home in glory land that outshines the sun….

The experience on Friday of Fire as comforting presence.

~~in the Wilderness God led the Israelites with the pillar of fire at night.

~~feeling driven to the wilderness~~ some choice but a sense I must do so to be true to myself, to be in tune.

~~~a sense of the Wilderness preparing me for the "ministry" I am moving toward to Live.

~~the Words of the song going through my head now, "Jesus walked the lonesome valley, he had to walk it by himself, for nobody else could walk it for him"……..I must walk this by myself…….

Pilgrimage to Water/Ocean….
Living waters of the Spirit……..John 4
Water of Baptism…..John 3

Isaiah~~~water restoring dry parched land with renewal

Moses~~~leading his people through the Sea as well as to Drinking water

By the river of Babylon, where we lay down, and where we wept when we remembered Zion….

In the Beginning was Chaos and Water

Only if you are born again of Water and the Spirit can you truly see God's Realm.

You are a New Creation

…be renewed in your mind……

It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me….

Resurrection
New Beginnings
Transformation

Live/journey as parable/metaphor/Sacrament of Incarnation

The Word made Flesh.

IT IS the CHRIST WHO'S VOICE THAT I AM LISTENING TO.



I also talked with Christian, who is the marketing person for Strathcona. I had mentioned it would be a great idea to sell a cookbook because the food is incredibly healthy, organic and tasty. The Pizza crust and pan bread yesterday were great!!

We talked about Strathcona differing from other organizations because of its philosophy and focus on a healthy and connected lifestyle. Strathcona has awesome facilities as well as being a location for Outdoor Education in Canada for Leaders. Even the food and tuck shop demonstrate respect for oneself, the environment and community as well has the generating of money.

While we were talking Christian's young daughter, a little Bush Baby Angel Emma, was "exploring" the open doors. She was, in my perception one of those "Spirit Children" who's Light was translucent in her face.





Christian, upon hearing I was a former mainline Church minister, asked if I had read James Hillman's book "The Soul's Code". Apparently, he suggests that each person has an innate soul seed that determines how one will grow in one's being & doing. One's way of being in the world is determined by seed rather than either nature or nurture. In Hillman's book the parental role is being "Keeper of the Seed" because each soul picks its own parents. It certainly sounds like a good read.



I also had a chance to talk to Christian's son. It was he that told me the story of the Carved Bear that stands on the deck. How when the lodge had burned down at one point, it alone was remaining amidst the rubble. It sure feels like BEAR is the totem Spirit for Strathcona.

At 5:30, Gaye gave me a ride into Gold River. I followed through on my "niggly", asking her to drop me off at the manse/rectory/Church house for the Ecumenical church in town. When I knocked on the door initially I was relieved that no one answered. I walked into the car port to put on my rain pants to Keep on moving to find a place to stay when a red headed woman came out to check. I indeed asked for the ministry of Hospitality…...indicating that I would be willing to do some work around her place for a bed to sleep in. Her response? "Well, I have been just now praying for a handmaiden…… "

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Pilgrimage Road

June 4th, 2004

I read the "Arrival" Chapter in the Art of Pilgrimage. It was amazing how much reflected on my experiences thus far. This morning began somewhat uneasily. I'd had a double nightmare. The first part was that calling out to my male friend to be with me on my left side had called his Spirit from him and I received word that he had died by falling down a vent and suffocating. In the dream another friend gave me the news and was pretty quick to confirm it was my fault. God I hope he's okay. Then the second nightmare involved a bear swiping at the tent and me too paralyzed and ignorant of how to use my "bear banger" without igniting the tent. Fears surfacing….

Morning consisted of washing my hair in lake water, rinsing it out with bowls of water and then sticking my head in the lake when I figured the shampoo was mostly out of my hair. There is something luxurious about lake water washed hair!!! It is a biodegradable organic type of shampoo but I am haunted by the thought that I might add to the pollution for the sake of my vanity!!

I read the final bit of Cousineau's "Arrival" Chapter about Offering. What do I have to offer? I didn't bring tobacco. To give away the things I need to unload doesn't seem appropriate. What do I have?....The shepherd boy syndrome. "Offering myself and my heart" just doesn't seem enough….and Offering for me as a thank you to do/be what??

The "longing" has been evoked.
Longing to do this Pilgrimage "right"……
Longing for more of the Holy…..
Longing for Purpose….

It's like a "reaching Prayer"….reaching for a Something that I don't even know or recognize yet.

Spoke with a lovely Vancouver couple--- Melissa & Kevin talked about various things and then spoke about the dialects of Orca pods.
Longing again….to hear and see the Orca.
They spoke of being in kayaks and having the Orca move gently around them.
Longing…Longing for the freedom to Kayak close to the comfort of the waters of the Ocean.
Longing to Communicate with the Orca.

I hiked gently along the boardwalk of a fragile bog
area. Then took a steep but not that strenuous hike
up to a look out point that has an Awesome View. As I was going up my I was reminded of Jesus being tempted from the mountain top. When I arrived to the view I wondered what my temptations might be. As I sat and looked upon the glorious landscape before me the sun came out for the
first time today….and with it's light unfolding my
Temptations surfaced:

1. To give up on life, purpose, pilgrimage…myself

2. To cling to the belief that I don't have a place to fit in, belong or be part of a healthy Life of the planet.

3. That I won't dream BIG enough for my Heart and Purpose.

I'm scared. In the sub chapter, "Circling the Center", Cousineau speaks of the questions we carry and that emerge on the journey. "What is my purpose" is mentioned. The irony is, that when I went on a pilgrimage with my Oldest Daughter to San Francisco in 1997 I asked her to ask that very question when she walked the Labyrinth. She was 19, had finished high school but was uncertain of what direction she wanted to go in. It was that week while we were together that she "discovered" in herself, what she wanted to do…Art College. Her dream of hard work has just been made fully manifest…she has Just graduated from ART COLLEGE, having won a student choice award and respect from her professors. Here I AM, not certain what I am longing for, what my purpose is or what I want to be when I grow up.

It's why I find the beginnings of Strathcona Lodge so inspiring. The Bouldings had a dream that involved outdoor education, adventure, risk, family & Lifestyle….and they have grown the dream into reality. They are "retiring" Living and Working their Dream.

Too many of my dreams have been recalled or more, moved to violent closure. Ministry…Some major Spiritual Brutality in spiritual groups of people……..I thought I would marry my Daughters & preach and do pastoral care fill in, in my retirement. 3 marriages….all involved in some form of violence, and I need major healing time.

Then, Invested $17,00 and 8 months in hard work in school and weekend courses to pursue a dream of physical fitness trainer with a Healing difference…only to burn out multi~dimensionally. I took that as a no, to that dream. I recall a quote from Douglas Hall, "Vocation is sometimes determined by Disability as much as Ability".

This last year I have been investing my life savings to live/thrive heal, only to alienate and outrage my daughters. All lmy dreams to be a loving understanding mother with a wonderful relationship with my daughters has exploded and I'm not sure why…I thought I was showing vast improvement.

Too many investments, offerings, commitments…
too much effort, passion, life force have been put
out toward a dream.

Too many broken dreams.
Too much Heart break.

And then I remember my recent relationship with
a Beloved male Spiritual companion.
He's wonderful, kind, patient, life affirming,
fun, inspirational, intimate, loving.

While he wanted more commitment, I have needed to be present to my journey. It was a real temptation to let my own vision go, and do a Peace trip with a Man such as that. I did need to pray, to stay with my own centre. And I am aware of my own hang-ups…20 year difference……. and yes the question of changing our celibate relationship to the possibility of Sacramental Fun, Fulfilling sex still haunts me. Another deep longing.

This friend has touched me, affirmed me, heard me, seen me, appreciated me like no other man ever has. That is a precious gift ….especially to start a healthy pattern of choosing healthy relationships to nurture.

I'm afraid to dream this into my life. What if it fails or becomes poisoned like the other relationships??

What if my whole life is destined to backfire and make people's lives worse.

I couldn't bear that again. NOT AGAIN. I want to have purpose, to love and have a rich sex life, and to give and receive in a Sacred & Cherishable manner. I don't want to belong to the darkness of violence and destruction any more. Enough is enough for ALL lifetimes. ( guess the pilgrimage is already taking, isn't it??!!)

Cripes. I know why this Strathcona thing touches me so deeply. I did my counselor~in~training at 14 years old on John Island in Lake Huron. At 16 I went to Bark Lake Leadership Camp….and just found out an older friend of mine did too!!! My undergrad was pursuing a dream in recreation. Physical Fitness & Healing were going to blend that dream. I even had hopes of becoming a certified hiking trail leader through a programme with the city after I had done the PFT course.

I don't seem to be dreaming the "right" dreams. I've tried so hard to give them life.

What the Hell is going on???

Even now, I want to be a Holy Wise Woman, Connected to the Light Source without becoming a prudish, all patient martyred saint. I like swearing. I want to live Life in ALL its fullness. I want to discover a dream of purpose that will call all of my passions forth and be part of transforming my planet into a more compassionate and Shalom based way of being in the Universe.

On the way down from Temptation Mountain and View Awesome I was trying to get pictures of what struck me as Delicate Feminine Sources of Nature. Tiny, intricate yet simple flowers. Indian maiden fern, roses, violets, wild strawberries other plants with a lacy feminine look to them. Tiny, simple, delicate, fragile, lacy feminine.

Part of me wants to exude that kind of gentleness…but not in a way that Sacrifices my Strength. it’s the paradox~~Strong Wild woman/compassionate, tender & physically dainty & Powerful…..not, as one high school peer commented, being perceived as strong as a horse when one is a chubby teen.

I am realizing I couldn't go on this pilgrimage with anyone. There is too much for me to Hear and Process. I would drive a companion nuts with the intensity and volume of Spirit & life moving through me & my brain. I mean look how much I write.

The ocean is still calling me. I will be looking for a place where I can learn my lessons from her. To Listen, Experience & Become.




God help me, God guide me, God heal me,
God use my journey for our planet's pilgrimage
toward deep resonating authentic peace.
Amen.


P.S. When I finished writing, I wondered what to
do next. I decided to make a fire. As I did I realized
it was time to let my fears and anxieties burn away…a kind of purifying/refining process releasing all the Loss and Fear I had just written about. Lots of fear to fuel the fire. I then circled the fire 9 times~~~9 being a number for wholeness I read somewhere. The wind came up quickly fanning the fire. The Spirit is raising a Phoenix from the Ashes of Fear. So Be It.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Pilgrimage Road


June 3, 2004

Here I am on an old makeshift dock on the shoreline of Upper Campbell Lake--halfway between Campbell River & Gold River. It is absolutely spectacular. When I looked out and saw "Treasure Island" I was struck by the similarity of my "Eastern Pines" Painting.
In need to take a few shots to blow up as my "Western Pines".


It has been an eventful two days. Yesterday I neatly folded my still somewhat damp tent on the sunniest day with blue sky that I have seen since I got out here. Keen I was, for my first "pilgrimage steps"~~~I have had a lot of first pilgrimage steps. It was to be the delightful beginning of a day of Outrageous Challenges,
Comedy, & Learning. To begin with I have too much "stuff"---about 10 pounds worth of too much stuff. Negotiating an upright walking position was in itself a Challenge for me, so heavy was my pack. Ah, yes, and then as I trekked up hill avoiding logging & gravel trucks, the nice wide shoulder I was walking on disappeared at the 5 K mark!! I know because the "Universe" thoughtfully inspired road makers to place 5 k makers along Hwy #28!!!

Further along the shoulder~less, twisting, narrow highway I gave notice to the Cross marking Raz's death at one of those roadside shrines to Death on the Road. Talk about a Sign to remind me I am taking my life in my hands.!!!...More lumber & gravel trucks cruise by It has rained so much in the week I have been here, that my new heavy weight status sinks my waterproof boots into the gravelly soil of what is considered a "shoulder". I am reminded that to truly Engage in Life and Pilgrimage is to offer one's whole life to the process...

"I want to make 20k today," I kept saying to myself. And I forgot to mention that the first 5 took me an hour and a half……and that's when I was fresh!!

My feet started to burn in my wonderful leather waterproof boots. A change of 3 pairs of socks, application of moleskin and more rest breaks and pack adjustments than I ever dreamed possible. Every vehicle~~~especially the big trucks~~~that went by I could FEEEL their thoughts of, "Who the hell is that crazy woman. She's not using the brains God gave her. As if my job isn't stressful enough on the road, now I'm supposed to dodge crazy women!!!"

The pack became so f#$%^&* heavy that when I missed a step I was close to falling over into the road in places. The fear & ridiculousness of it all was very present to me~~~fortunately my absurd sense of humour was looking at myself, shaking its head dryly. " F__K" is not a word I've heard devout pilgrims think or use……once I heard a retreatant use it….it was certainly a discharge from this pilgrim…in my mind at least…..I had to save my breathing for walking. Two of my friends who told me my "intentions" are "wrong" for this pilgrimage and my sister's doubt of my sanity echoed loudly through my mind.


As I reflect, I am impressed at my sense of purpose….I was INTENT on heading west toward Gold River, and temptations to turn around only fleeting. My humorous self was very present laughing at me.

Then there were the corners of the "highway" with cement corner traffic guards AND NO shoulder. There was about a foot of asphalt on the side of the traffic guard away from the main road….and then below at a sharp angle through gravel, bush to swamp. Using the traffic guard as a handrail with BOTH hands, I managed to painstakingly balance my load and side step carefully along the corners. There is nothing like lack of shoulder space on the road to increase one's prayer life…..

Besides calling for Jesus & St. Francis, I called (inwardly of course because I still needed my breath) Raphael the Archangel--he has a connection to pilgrims as well as healers!!...And a few of my dearest friends I wished were with me……..As I passed the 15 k marker my body was not happy with me. I was getting to the point of wanting to hitchhike to make it to my 20k.

The Peace Pilgrim stories of waiting for Benevolence started to taunt me. Then there were the memories of friends saying, "Look after YOURSELF", and I realized how much WEIGHT I am carrying in my First Aid Bag. It was a team pack!!....in case I had to help someone!! What was I thinking?............my programming to "help" others had gone into the Essential Load for MY journey!!!

Stories of pioneers who end up dumping stuff on the side of the trail, or the West coast hikers who leave stuff on the side of the trail….went through my mind like a video. My daughter, who, when she went traveling, mailed clothes home 'cause there "wasn't little enough".

My body hurt and I could not force myself to walk much further. There was no place to pitch a tent because the Road and Rock "hill" were so close together. I reached a place where a car could pull over.

Prayers to admit my foolishness at my load…OF LIFE PATTERNS THAT HAVE GOTTEN IN THE WAY OF KEEPING MYSELF SAFE AND THE EASE OF JOURNEY THAT HAPPENS WITH A LIGHT LOAD….As I contemplated on the Peace Pilgrim and her needs for survival just showing up in divine timing, I began feeling so unworthy that I was considering hitchhiking.....who was I to undertake such a grand task as a Prayer of Peace Pilgrimage?? Even with my laboured breath and complaining body, my still small voice could be heard quite clearly all of a sudden: "That was Her journey. On Your journey, You have to ask."


"Okay God, You said ASK"…I stuck out my thumb and in a universal language asked for a ride.
Within 5 minutes a fellow stopped and picked me up saying he was going as far as Strathcona Lodge---halfway between Campbell River & Gold River AND there was free camping in a forestry spot within a quarter mile from the lodge right on Upper Campbell Lake. He drove me to the campsite and told me some people working at the Lodge lived in Gold River and could be asked for a ride. The day was beautiful ~~ the campsite with a View of the Lake ~~ and no one Else here. Plus, I could get a meal at the lodge once a day. With the Beauty of this place I want a chance to take it in a bit. Blessings upon Blessings. There is no way I could have walked through the road the young man drove me through. Nothing but slope on both sides of the road and I wouldn't know where to look for a "free campsite" let alone one with a spectacular view.

The Young Man of 36 (gee can you tell I'm over 50 ~_~) had rec'd his certification for various mechanical things and I believe wilderness stuff. He is starting at SAIT in August for an Aviation course of some kind. His girlfriend, who works at Strathcona Lodge, is going east to Calgary with him. He likes thin in a straight line, he says. Yet his life has been filled with spirals of new certifications and travels. Aviation, eh??...he certainly was a Rescuing Angel for me.


I took time in setting up my tent, making certain the main door faced West to the Lake. I Thanked My Body profusely for being so strong and taking me as far as it did with such a heavy load…unnecessary heavy load. I've decided to use my pendulum to help my lactic acid move on through as well as help my spinal alignment. I've been having almost weekly Chiropractic appointments the last number of years, and it is only faith that allows me to believe that my back can take this. Miraculously my SI joint is fine---I can bend over better than I've been able to for months……..mmmmmmmm.


Today has been filled with Holy Moments & reflection. The Presence of a Close friend has been with me today…I've never felt that before. There must have been a lot more Spirit Bonding with that person that I thought. ….More "Spirit connection" than I was aware of happening at the time.


I am enjoying a day of Blessing following a day of Great Challenge. I've arranged a ride to Gold River for 5:30 Saturday. There is a lunch buffet served for less than a $10. Strathcona Lodge really has some remarkable roots and declarations. Organic foods, and products are available at the tuck shop. The Lodge was created by two Secondary Teachers that had had a Vision to create an outdoor education Centre and resort. One of the owners, Myrna, is off to be with her daughter who will be giving birth to her first child and Myrna's 7th or 8th grandchild. The resort & the view are all quite Inspirational. Leaves me wanting to bring my Spiritual Reflection gifts to a place like that. My Leadership, camping and Recreation roots still run deep. I'll go there for lunch tomorrow and Saturday and pick up energy bars for need. I'm finding one meal a day sufficient. Yesterday I had 200c al of fruit bar and was fine. In fact the exertion and heat left me somewhat nauseous--had lots of water though.

When I got back from lunch I went for a hike/walk with my eye on reaching a peninsula I can see from the beach in front of my tent. The relatively easy to follow path through the bush led instead to a creek flowing into the lake. I loved the gently cascading Water and growth. I was amazed at the strength the spring floods must be to bring down the number of logs and wood debris down to the lake. I put two hand fulls of water on my face, renewing my baptism. I made the sign of the cross, repeating with it My 4 Directions and 4 Totems …
East: Eagle;
South: Cougar;
West; Bear;
North: White Buffalo.

I asked to be led to the lake through the debris with the least damage. Easy. When I got to the lake side, I felt like my feet needed to be blessed by the creek water.

Then I sat on an old weather beaten log, with just the right curve for my bum and beheld what was before me. I began singing and listening. I haven't given myself "space" to sing in the Spirit in a long time….and the tune and the jist of which was, "Behold, I make all things New…Each Breath we breathe, each whisper of a breeze, each glimmer of sunlight on the water…Each one is new and unique. The New Creation is continually part of us, surrounding us, being made new in us." It was a very Holy moment with the Creator moving through me Singing a New Song". Discovering what SongLines are to me/for me….Singing…Listening!! Singing As Clearing, Transforming……

Interesting too, because I had trouble finding the path on the way back. I bush stamped a bit and then went back to the creek to begin again. I was still anxious I couldn't find my way out. I was reminded of the Israelite in the wilderness, when, they experienced provision and Divine Presence, and yet were anxious and afraid soon after. Even having found "the path" I was anxious and uncertain. It threw me, because I am good at getting where I need to go with confidence …even better at getting home. I realized that my left side, facing the edge of the steep slope down was feeling more vulnerable than my right side. In some healing wisdom the left side of the Body is our Feminine and the right Masculine….and then I recalled the number of times a Dear Male Friend chose to deliberately walk on my left side when we would walk somewhere together. My generation doesn't do that anymore. When I asked that I feel my friend's presence on my left side (we were Spiritual Companions and I had permission) it was amazing how fast my anxiety subsided and my feeling of being safe & protected grew substantially.

I don't understand this. It is new. I've never considered calling upon someone's presence to be with me who is living.....I hope he's are still living.
As for reflections on yesterday's calamities….

(1) I had read about the challenges of the pilgrimage in Cousineau's book two days before. I found it strange, because the real challenge that emerges in retreat comes half way through in my silent Retreat Rhythm. I had told myself the big Challenges wouldn't be until July!!! Wrong!!! This, I learned is a pilgrimage not a retreat. Apparently they are two different things of which I am about to learn.



(2) The stuff I packed to "take care of myself" is too much. They are impeding the freedom and comfort and dare I say, the safety of my journey. I am learning even more deeply and thoroughly how I can thrive on very little "stuff". Deciding what will go will be a telling process. What I want to do is that I let go of all the unhealthy thoughts in my life represented in the Stuff I send home. I want to be a Sacrament of What I need to Let go of In my Life as well as what New Paths and Choices I need to make for My "Life in all It's Fullness" Sake. Like what I exchanging what I think Ministry "Should" look like for me,for being present to what may unfold Ministry is for me. ….Letting go of wanting my parents and daughters to see the light that is in me and that I am growing to be ….Allowing myself to receive forgiveness and what I understand as reconciliation with my Daughters. And I need to let go of what I think a romantic and sexual relationship "Should Look Like." I guess that's a start!!!

(3) This journey needs to continue to have as little far range planning as I can because this is my Living Parable/Portal where I encounter the Holy….my Archetype for my Life. To have begun my pilgrimage with an over weight knapsack helped me "get the Depth of Reality of how much Non Essentials I carry in life". I have no lingering regret (other than feeling the inevitable pinch of financial loss) on lessening my load, because of the Healing and Insight that accompanies the process. It is the Way I can Identify deeply ingrained habits that are not for my well being. I am reminded of My Body being a Sacrament of Divine Guidance.

I am trembling with this Reality. The Journeying is the WAY of Healing and Transformation at a very Core level. All is Sacramental---Visible happenings of God's Invisible Grace and Healing in my life. I am blessed indeed to take this opportunity.


(4) My Journey is different from the Peace Pilgrims. I am to ask for what I need. Hitch hiking is asking for a ride. One of the themes that came up for me when I emailed the stories around the masks is the strong Wise~Wild~ Woman of Compassion. That involves claiming My Power. Asking in order that I can receive what I need. This will require a courageous humility from me. Yet in order to look after myself, that is what I think I hear the Spirit guiding me toward.

(A humming bird has buzzed me for the second time, I hear it, but haven't seen it yet. Like Joy being near at hand, and soon I will Drink its Nectar.)


I remember reading an Alban Institute book on Power and its definition was "power is the ability to get what you want and need". Moving out of a submissive , sacrificial, and martyr type of faith into one of Co-Creation of my Life and Choices with the Creator, is the direction of Personal Power I want to root in.

"Ask and you shall receive."…the words that came with my first Real Encounter with the Sacred Presence, at 18 years old.

My Time is Now.



I think its time to just to Be……See…….& Listen

Sunday, July 4, 2010

PeaceDancing



My Spiritual Unfolding is attuning me
To the PeaceDancing of My Heart.

Like Chiron and Amaterasu before me
I have taken refuge
To Learn how to Heal my Wounds
from Violence
with Joy
That I May
BE PEACE.

The Wounds are sourced in what I am Calling
the "Sacred" Wound of Humanity.....

The Wound that Split our Humanity
from our Spark of Avatar Power and Wisdom
that We were meant to grow in.

The Wound...
“It is not Good for a Human Being to be Alone”
When the Presence of Galaxies within US
and Presence around us
Prove that It Is NOT Possible
to BE ALONE.....

The Wound....
that there Is An Abyss between Myself and My Spirit....
Between Me and My Gods......
That there is Lack in me....
That I must Struggle to find My way back to Wholeness and Strength...

I am calling it the "Patriarchal Wound"….
that
Wants us to Surrender

Our Sovereignty....

The Sovereignty...

of Our I Am~ness

to a disEmpowered place
of Victim and Martyr
Perpetrator and Saint.....
Dark and Light
Death and Life.....
where
The Dualistic Wars Evolve and
are Nourished when We
Do Not KNOW
Our Divine Nature....
Our Glorious Birth.

I am Dancing with Angels, FOR PEACE...
..
For the AtOneNess of Our Beings

And the Alignment of Our Holy Mater…….

DANCING IN CONNECTION TO
the Growth of Joy
in a new Depth of Awareness
of The Glory and Brilliance of The Holy...
The POWER AND STRENGTH
That I AM
And
YOU ARE…..

Connecting and Surrendering to
the Spirit Energies
Of the Great Spirit, Holy Mystery,
Christic Consciousness, and Buddah Peace
As Intricate Pieces of My Own Soul…
And Spirit
In the AtOneNEss
WE were Given Life from….

ReWeaving the Group Soul………


I am dancing ME into Wholeness...
And With that Dancing
I Pray that the Holograph
of the Divine
that
I Am
May Spin a Merkabah of Transforming Healing
Into My Gaia's Soul,
That Where she Has Been
Divided
Separated
and Compartmentalized
in to Scientific Data and Theory
She
may once Again
Be
Encountered as
Sacred Presence
Inviting our Tender Interaction and Relationship
and the Vigour of Our Truth
To Grow with Hers.

I am dancing Us into Wholeness…
and with that Dancing
I pray that the Holograph
Of the Divine
That WE ARE
May Spin A Merkabah of Transforming Healing
Into OUR Gaia’s Soul
That Where We Have Been
Divided
Separated
And Compartmentalized
into Scientific Data and Theory
WE
May once again
Be
Encountered
as
Sacred Presence
Inviting Tender Interaction and Relationship
and the Vigour of Her Truth
To Grow with Us.

So, Come, Dance with me….
If Your Feet and and Body cannot Sway
Use Mudras
And Bells
And Tambourines
And Drums
Flutters of Eyelashes
if that is your tongue.

To Dance
the Healing Rhythm
of the Divine Heart
that Beats In Us All
Bringing us
Into
the Divine Rhthyms
from which we have been banished…..

Dance with Me…
Dance Our World into
OneSpirit Consciousness Again….
Through Laughter, and Song….
Through Celebration and Joy
Through the Healing of Your Own Heart
and Soul.

It is Dancing,
the Bliss of Our Lives
that will Birth the New Age….
that Will Birth
The Shalom
of our Dreams.....
Universal Peace….

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

Honouring the
Sacred Connections
of Each Life Force Expression …..
as MY DANCING
RELEASES THE HEALING ENERGIES
THAT LIE HIDDEN WITHIN.........
by illusions
that
I Am Limited!!!!

I am Dancing
the Unity of Peace back into The Spirit Heart of My Beloved Gaia....
I want to Dance the Dance of the Sacred Feminine Alive and Nourishing...
Singing the Song of Healing,
The Notes of At One Ment
Not only with the Cosmic Realities that Embrace me,
But the Galaxies that Lie Hidden
Within Our own Physical Life.....
where the
Angels and Realms of Divinity in US
Need to Rise through
the DNA Stairway
to Divine Light
and A Reclamation of All we were Meant to be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Merkabah/Gaia pic thanks to: http://www.innerlightcenter.net/images/Merkabah_Earth.jpg

Present Time: Restoring My Soul



For Freedom Christ has Set Me Free....

Freedom....

The sense of Deeeeep Freedom
that comes when Living With
and From the Earth.

The pioneer Spirit in building a new life in the "Wilderness".

It is the Abundant Grace
of Random Sights of Beauty
that Emerges and Heals
my Heart's Consciousness.

And Now,
recovering from a profound time of
Convalescence
I am emerging
into New Life....
putting my energies first and foremost into Gleaning
the Abundance of the
Earth and Water
that is around me.

"Energy Follows Thought...."

"Seek First the Kingdom of God"....

"Where your Heart is there Your Treasure Lies"

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly:
What is essential is invisible to the eye."


O Great Spirit...
Let my Energy focus on
What I can do In Receiving
the Abundance that Surrounds me...

I Give thanks for your Graciousness to me
as I begin to have enough energy in my Body
to Engage in the Reality of Living IN Paradise
Where All my Needs can be met....
The REALITY where there is Joy, And Grace and Ease for ALL.


To begin to write this pilgrimage story is to begin to draw together the Threads of My life as though they are being woven on an old fashioned Loom. I re-discovered my "letter to the Churches" (originally reasons for a Sabbatical) at Easter 2010 amidst a Powerful Spiritual Integration experience that is even now continuing.

I am engaging again the Questions and Purposes that led to a Portal to the Holy for Profound healing.
My call to "Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care" has come again.......... Only this time I am being asked to Pray for the Earth....Nurture Communion with the Earth....Finding Sacrament in my Daily Life where my prayers grow organically from the Centre of My Heart and Being.

I have been in a profound process of letting go of the Fences and Walls I put around myself and My God.....letting go of layer after layer of tribal conditioning teaching me what the Limits of Healing or Liberation are....Letting go of the brain washing that occurs with Institutionalization....Letting go of the Status Quo as the ONLY PATH to True At One Ment with Myself.

Re-discovering that Morality is determined by the Compassion we offer ourselves and one another rather than the Laws and Conditioning we adhere to.

In the last 8 years my life force has been leaking away due to a Shattered Spirit & and Psyche...A shattered "Naphsha"...a Hebrew word, I believe speaking to the Essence of who we are....And My Essence was Lost to Me.
I have been in a profound Spiritual Cocoon in my Pink Hermitage for almost 5 years now. It has been only by surrendering to the Call of BEING that the Spirit has been able to Restore My Soul...Restore My Essence.

As I gleaned wood off the beach to sustain my central heat Yesterday a deep sense of Trust and Liberation began to flow through me....deeply enough that the Vastness of Grace felt Frightening....Awesome....An Encounter with the Holy, where the sense of "Numinous" floods one's multi-dimensional consciousness.....I have no money to buy wood, and the Paradise that I live in provides. I do not have a chain saw, and yet the wood and the Beach come in such a range of sizes that I got 4 large totes of wood ready to burn.





FREEDOM, living in a Recycling State of being...I am taking only that which gathers on stoney beaches, given up by the Ocean herself.

I am truly beginning to disengage from the Conditioning that for me to survive I need to Purchase it from another. This lifestyle is so radical it could topple Financial Institutions, Business Corporations, and Self-Serving Governments, should enough people choose it.

There is an Ancient Life Source and Power that moves through me
just by my Rejoicing
in the Responsibility I have
in my Own Abundance....
by Setting My Thoughts on What brings Peace in My Trust and Relation ship through the Sacred Word
Expressed in Our Sentient Earth.

The Earth itself is our Bread of Life...
The Cup that overflows,
The Water that turns to wine,
the flask of Oil that lasts until there is more,
the bowl of meal that feeds until more is received

Living with a growing Confidence
as I Experience
the Reality of
"Today my Daily Bread Comes."

Only Now is this part of my Journey Peace Intention coming into being.
Only Now am ready to BEGIN Receive Grace of Daily Physical Sustenance in All Its Fullness as part of My Relationship to The Earth and the Spirit that Speaks Its Divine Word through all of Creation.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Pilgrimage Road


May 30, 2004

First day dry enough that I can write

and lean on the picnic table. Everything is damp---and I haven't washed my hair since Tuesday night. Hope to walk into town tomorrow and do laundry and Shower. Its around 12:20 pm---I just asked. I've walked to the fish hatchery and beyond a bit along the Quinsam river. It is lush. I was struck with the Image of community by one grove of trees...it was like a stunning healing circle of Root energy. I want to see furry wild life---other than domestic dogs!! I did manage to see two garter snakes, a beautiful large black and white butterfly, a small woodpecker& a Pilated woodpecker. As I take note of this now, I can "hear" the woodpeckers inviting me into the rhythm of Gaia's Heartbeat….finding my own Heart beat as an extension of hers.

I have never seen so many Robins in my life. I am embarrassed to say they look out of place in the rain forest. Goes to show how urbanized I am when I perceive a lawn as a "home place" for the bird. And again in retrospect, Robin is a Heart Song Bird…..complete with the Red Breast that seems to declare our Gaia's Heart as the Root Source to All the Songlines.

I can actually see some blue sky. I'm hoping it will bring some warmth. I am surprised my body is so restless when I get up. I need to wander myself into silence. So much static and white noise to walk out/thru…..

I am impressed by the amount of recycling & "community living" moisture brings to the bush/forest. Yesterday I saw a tree with moss growing up the sides & ferns starting to grow. I thought to myself "THAT is an example of the First Apartment building." ~_~

I often have a vision of Community living with separate condo/apartments connecting to a common room with community kitchen and living space Balance of Solitude and Community. I guess some of the first nations had set ups like that
as well as the Cloistered communities of Buddhism and Christianity…...

The birdsong here is remarkable. The crows have an amazing repertoire from caw to a kind of cat coo. This morning there was a crazy bird--red breast like a robin but a darker backside with pale spots. Jumping around quite energetically amidst various bushes.

The snake & butterfly sighting bring up a discussion that I had at the labyrinth at the Beginning of my Journey.......... about the difference between transmutation and Transformation.

Transmutation is a something taking a different Something and making a New Something. Like an Alchemist turning lead into gold...Jesus Turning Water into Wine........


Transformation is when One being in itself changes into something different….Caterpillar into Butterfly……Pollywog into frog…..Grief into Joy.....


May 31, 2004

21 years ago I was ordained in Sherbrooke, Quebec in St. Michael's Cathedral. Here I am in a natural Cathedral still seeking "ordination"-----ordained to What??

(reflecting on personal relationship griefs briefly)


I am quieter today. I am able to sit for longer periods to observe. After reading about labyrinth and journey I was noticing how the path I took today was like the labyrinth. A couple of spots I need to be Still & Know God I God like often happens when I walk. I walked to the road and back along the beaver pond trail. So wonderful to have some "dry" time and see some blue sky temporarily. The sun is so wonderfully warm when the clouds let it out.

Silence is starting to grow in me. I was blessed with hummingbird today….and a mother duck and two ducklings. It was amazing to see the number of birds flying over the beaver pond---the familiar red-wing blackbird and sparrows~~~thought I saw the yellow of a canary or gold finch. New Bird Songs. New Song Lines.

June 1st


Today I went into a beautiful gift store. The masks on display really touched me in terms of their story. The Sisiutl mask moved me touched again on the death theme that seems to be part of my life journey. The Sisiutl is a supernatural undersea serpent that holds Warrior Power and Indestructibility. It can cause death or bring the dead back to life. When a woman dances this Spirit at a potlatch as a Tuxwid dancer, the power of a woman comes alive and strong. Interestingly, it is also a being evoked when calling to war.


Reminds me of a song that Heather Bishop sings, The Warrior song by Kim Baryluk:


I was a shy and lonely girl with the heavens in my eyes

And as a walked along the way
I heard the echoes of her cries I can not fight,
I can not a warrior be.
It's not my nature nor my teaching.
It is the womanhood in me.

I was a lost and angry youth, there were no tears in my eyes

I saw no justice in my world,

only the echoes of her cries

I can not fight, I can not a warrior be.

It's not my nature or my teachings.

It is the womanhood in me.


I am an older woman now, and I will heed my own cries
And I will a fierce warrior be 'till not another woman dies
I can and will fight. I can and will a warrior be.

It is my nature and my duty.
It is the womanhood in me.
I can and will fight. I can and will a warrior be.
It is my nature and my duty.
It is the sisterhood in me.

As though the Mask, the Dance, and The Spirit stir up the Strength of the Sacred Feminine within. I sense that my moving through death of who I am being, is calling upon this archetype source of power to help my woman hood grow fully into power~~into a humble~~~in the strongest sense of the word~~A Sense of Grounded Being. Not Self as source~~~but being in tune with a Sacred Source….letting the Feminine and Masculine flow through me in balance and strength.


The Mask with the skulls dangling from them is called
Bakbakwalanookswae mask~~it is the obsessive devourer of humans. My friend K loves bones and especially skulls so I thought of her when I took these pictures. This is a mask from the Hamatsa society~~when one hears whistling in the trees one is hearing Bakbakwalanookswae.

Tsonokwa Mask is thought provoking~~it seems to have a bit of Hansel and Gretel theme to it~~interesting story to be in European AND North American 1st nations Mythology. Tsonokwa is the Wild Woman who fills her basket with children. One day two children managed to cut a hole in the basket and made their escape. They came across Glubastalis~~the Knowledgeable Woman of the Woods. She had been in the bush so long her feet had grown roots and she had become a huge hemlock
tree. She managed to rescue the children. I like this figure, Glubastalis~~ I will call her the Wisdom Woman of the Bush~~~I would like to think I am "attuning" to that energy so I can receive the Knowledge and Wisdom of the Bush to translate into language that I understand and can communicate.

Yesterday I saw a humming bird, and for me the gift of humming bird is to Communicate the Reality of Joy being born out of Sorrow. A woman with hummingbird energy can manifest whatever she wants through the Tuxwid dance~~~that dance again. That dance is one I would love to experience it has so much transformative power moving through it in its most "in tune" spirit.

I've written about masks ~_~, celebrated my 1 st in a week shower and dry sleeping bag...... I've spoken with beloved Friend…..as the rain pours down and I can see the ocean & Quadra Island sitting in a restaurant for coffee.....I am reflecting on the American couple who have been traveling the last 4 summers in a 35 foot boat. They moor in San Diego for the winter then head North. We spoke about the process of living with so much less. They moved from a big house to a 35 foot boat. We commented how only those who do something similar "get it". And here I am~~Turtle Woman with Butterfly Wings, carrying my present life on my back. It will be interesting to see what gets mailed back in Gold River!!


The woman also talked about the transition she made from a high powered job to a literal "go with the flow lifestyle"~~~~It was initially difficult. It will be interesting to note when I begin to get squirrely with my own company.

And then there was the voice of the man whose son is 74 and who is getting married for the 3 rd time!!! Spent time in the artillery during the war. As for getting married at his age….."Why not?? I get kinda lonesome."


Tomorrow I set off toward the West Coast of Vancouver Island. It has been good to be here a week. To begin to get into a rhythm and gradual silence. I have needed to sleep lots~~~the last couple of weeks of prep were very emotional and I am needing to be rested in order to listen to the deeper voices. And so my friends, Peace be with each of you. It might be a while before you hear from me. Take care of yourselves.