The Seeker begins ........

I performed my last pastoral duty with a mainline denomination the first Sunday in May 1998. It was then I needed to figure out what to do.

I first began to "advertise" myself as a Chaplin for the "Unchurched", and thus identified what I was doing as "Spirituality for the UnChurched". The Mainline church I had been part of "forbids" former ministers to practice ministry outside institutional bounds, in fear that the Congregational life will be compromised and not kept within institutional guidelines. Never the less I began offering my services for Spiritual Companionship, Retreat/Workshop Facilitator, Alternative Healing and Sacred Rites such as Funerals, Weddings and rites of passage. I needed to let this go in order to become computer literate through a kind of "assistant administrator" course offered through Unemployment. I was living in a large City at this time.

I also entered into a new relationship with someone totally outside of the Church who was employed with another Institution. I had had a history of abusive relationships, and after leaving the last one I initially had a deep feeling I shouldn't even Entertain ideas of co-habitation for five years. The therapist I was seeing at the time challenged this, indicating that real health for me would be in ignoring my fears and going for it. Instead of listening to my own Wisdom, I followed the therapists advice and "ignored" my fear. When we first decided to co-habit it was with the understanding I would be a stay at home wife and support for my new Step Son.

My Sabbatical lasted a year before the Church Court demanded that I "pay my dues" and get involved politically in the Church Court Structures. To do so would violate my whole sense of call in the reasons I asked for a Sabbatical in the first place. A year wasn't long enough. As I prayed about whether or not I could go back to the church I found myself wondering if I was even a Christian anymore…..I even went on a Retreat to be able to sort this out between Spirit and myself. I came back from the retreat convinced that I was Still Devoted to the Christ Consciousness but I was not happy with my relationship with the Church. My final decision on staying in the Church came about when I was thinking of volunteer work, and realizing that my "ordination" would give me credibility. The moment I articulated that out loud, I KNEW that was PRECISELY why I needed to leave. I needed to be recognized, and "listened" to for My OWN SAKE and Integrity rather than the "role" sanctioned by an Institutionalized community.

The letter confirming my total withdrawal from the Church membership came two weeks before I was married on the Eve of the new Millennium.

I wish I could say I was blissed with Love and Freedom….

Alas, two weeks into the New Millennium, as I was trying to get into shape in an exercise class, I strained my back. I was flat on my back for at least three weeks, with little movement. As I began to Dialogue with my body, as to what it needed, I began to listen again to some of my Carolyn Myss tapes. As she began to speak about the Chakras as the Sacraments, I had a "vision" of the church having been this great Energetic Girdle that supported/encased me…..without it my back had given way. Having been the Celebrant of those very Sacraments it was as though Leaving the Church I needed to begin to build a New Body for myself. It was then I discovered Pilates as a Prayer to rebuild My Core….My ability to Stand Up for my Own Truth without "acceptance" of an Authoritative Body. The whole basis of the breath in Pilates is to engage one's inner abs and breathe into one's upper back of the lungs, thus reducing movement on the Rib cage…..SUPPORTING ONE SELF….beginning to build a Body that can Stand Up For It's Self.

Amidst a very stressful New marriage, my husband began dealing with his own Vocational/MidLife Crisis, while I attempted to go back to University to train for a new Vocation. I had done an undergrad in Recreation, and was from an athletic family, so the natural thing to do was to register in a Personal Fitness Trainers course at a local university. I was in peri~ menopause, and even with ALL the reading I did, and the theme, "keep your stress low" I plunged into a course that demanded my ALL with the Intention of Providing myself with a Vocation that allowed me to take care of my own need for health, and income. My husband found it very stressful to be the only Bread Winner, so I was desperate to get as much training in so that, at 49 years old, I had some reasonable chance of employment. I envisioned a business called BodySpirit Balance where I was going to create a Wholistic Personal Fitness Service for those who were in it for their Overall Health…it would help me address my need to build up bone density in my already osteoperenic state…. Spiritually making connections with the Body's Journey. In addition I began taking courses on the weekends so that I could get my papers to do fitness classes, and Healing touch to Compliment the Personal Fitness Training. In 4 months my health began to drastically suffer. One day in class, as we were taking each other's blood pressure, the Professor discovered mine was 85/50……I managed to make it through the second term. Unfortunately finishing the course was not possible because I had developed full-fledged Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I knew I could not get "better" in the relationship I was in, yet It didn't feel like "TIME to LEAVE" until I was able to let go of all my frustrated bitterness toward my partner.... assisted with the penduluum based Spiritual Response Therapy done with a creative friend.

When I look back at this time, there are some Significant Gifts in the midst of a great deal of Hell.

I met One of My Closest Healer Friends….we share a commonality of Energy and Spiritual Language and a sense that we have Been each other's Guardian Angel before….we have developed an amazing long distance healing practice with each other, that has increased my way of Intercessory Prayer.

I learned that in matters of MY TRUTH if my wisdom tells me one thing and an Authority tells me another I follow my Truth. This was learned through experience with the Institution of Western medicine as well as the Church.

I had an amazing Spiritual friendship with my Stepson...and from my perspective, I helped him make it through High School giving him a Space between Warring parents and he helped me survive as long as I did in the marriage.

I read Barbara Brennan's Hands of Light and Alice A. Bailey 's Esoteric Healing, and began to identify the Vibration of Sacred Scripture …....It is A Power in the Transmission through Word that Transforms/Energizes/Blesses the reader on Esoteric levels, When one moves out of the need to intellectually understand, to a Heart's openness to Work with Sacred Energies. Knowing the Power of the Bible energetically and how to use it to heal, helps one identify other Sacred sources. I have had a profound experience of the Power of the Judaic Torah and Christian Greek Scriptures as much in their energy than in the actual thought forms they may transmit...that being said I know the power Energetic Writings can have in the Unhealth of my being too....the bible has plenty of examples about Karmic use of Spiritual and Political Power, and the examples can be the worst side of the human condition.


I learned that Post Traumatic Stress, Fibromyelgia and Chronic Fatigue have some bio-chemical commonality. I learned that with Post Traumatic, the muscles are in Constant contraction thus creating a destructive hormonal chemistry in Hyper Vigilance. The ONLY "Something" that can reverse this bio-chemical and muscular cycle of hypervigilence is Meditation. For my Physiology class I did research on the meditative techniques that have offered Healing modalities for people….including those that I could use through Personal Fitness training such as Yoga, T'ai chi, Pilates, Meditation walk, as well as the various forms of Inward Mediation.

I had also began visioning an Icon for myself as well as my "Vocation",
and that is a whole chapter in and of itself.

I learned enough physiology and muscle mechanics of muscle building and stretching that I have since used it all in my own Visual Prayer for Self Healing.

The Energy classes I took during this time were
Transformational.......the session exchanges between
friends Communion itself......I would have never
survived without the energy work I was involved
in at the time.....and the Spiritual Landscape
that can be shared when one deals in
the Nuances of Energy.

I was mightily blessed with Crone Friends to Celebrate my 50th....the Buffalo Jaw bone with the Painting Jacob's Ladder is one of my Sacred Totem Possession.....as is the Faerie that hangs in welcome above my front Door.


I learned I need people in my life that KNOW and ARE OPEN to GRACE.

You know, for a time that was so heartbreaking for those involved, A lot of Lessons were Learned and Grace Received. ~_~