Beginning the Pilgrimage Road

On May 26, 2004, I gathered with some Dear folks supportive of a Vision for Peace and my pilgrimage at a Chartes Labyrinth in one of the downtown churches. The Chartes Labyrinth has become a friend over the years, and the first "real" pilgrimage I took was to walk it at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco in '97. It was originally to be the beginning/ending for pilgrimages in the Middle ages, and I felt a need to connect with Pilgrims of Human History…..after all, Labyrinths and Mazes appear in ancient Sacred Sites. One of the blessings I received, was a card with Butterfly….the gift of REBIRTH and TRANSFORMATION….A totem for the Journey. We concluded my little send off with a meal and another couple of friends drove me to the AirPort to see me off.

I got to my destination and took the shuttle to the Elk Falls campsite. I set up my tent and prepared to "settle" into Rhythm in this one place until I felt the Spirit nudge me to move on. It would drizzle and rain most of the day and I found myself walking constantly. Walking into town, walking the paths. I would eat one meal a day and sometimes have some energy bars to take the edge off. I had no room in my pack for food. I discovered coffee in "tea bags" and over a camp candle flame I would make my morning coffee….a beloved ritual that I had not participated in for 6 years. Coffee was to be a Sacred Beverage along the journey.

The journaling excerpts are taken from my own journals and emails I managed to send to others along the way.

Before I go any further, I would like to list those Bright Lights who offered me Friendship, Strength, Prayer, Shared Vision…as I began this Part of my journey.

Doug Caine
Karen Caine
Liz Carlyon
Jan Fennell
Larry Fisk
Barb Higgins
Sandy Johnson
Barb Kinnie
Tunde Kocsis
Lynn and Cal Koch
Marlene Lacey
Wendy Lees
Kat and Paul Nelson
Sharon Neufeld
Judes North
Tara O'Sullivan
Indranie Perera
Bill Phipps
Carolyn Pogue
Marsha Read
Audrey and Bill Shakelton
Rendell, Rosemarie & Erica Sumlak
David Swann
Lesley Wilkinson
Michelle, Sam, Jackson & Nikko Wright
The Neighbourhood of Mission
Knox United and the FCJ's for their offering of Labyrinths to the general public.
and Bunny Stewart, who sent me a copy of a prayer by Thomas Merton, that I laminated and carried on my journey.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton

The Stuff that Dreams ~and Pilgrimages~ are Made of

It was Easter Monday, when on the phone in tears with a friend, I decided to say Yes to her offer of picking me up. At 51, trying to cope with the debilitating symptoms of Chronic Fatigue I ran away from home. My dear friend, single mother to four children from ages 13 -24 years all living with her, brought me to her home. Still, her Generosity, Compassion and Risk leave me in awe. I still remember our "sleep over giggles" at the glow in the dark Mary and Jesus on an altar you could see from the bed, with TinkerBell bestowing her blessings above them.

For the next 6 weeks, I went from place to place…..friends, friends of friends, a resident home for single women, and finally the local Hostel. I had to make a decision. I began to walk around an inner city neighbourhood, that I wanted to live in and sure enough found the perfect basement apartment for an incredibly reasonable rent. It was in an old house a good sized back yard (for inner city), a wonderful small town feel neighbourhood and some young women sharing the other two suites in the house.

I moved in with two bags to my name. I bought an air mattress and friends began offering me emergency help like towels, sheets, dishes….quite generous. I needed a lot of Quiet…..my furniture was painted and covered with white, as were the walls. It was without question Low Income Housing, Yet for me it was Sanctuary…..PEACE…..GRACE…..SPACE…..The white of my apartment reduced what a friend calls "White Noise" of Colours. A place to restore my soul.

The reading during this time was DaVinci Code….which led me to re-visit the Mary Magdalene ~ Jesus theme that had come up during my first Year after Ordination with Holy Blood, Holy Grail. I realized I needed to look at the Archetype of Sacred Bride and Bridegroom that I first "encountered" through the Prophet Hosea, as well as the Wedding stories that involved Jesus. I began to discover the "flexibility" of Mythology…I didn't need to Historically/Factually embrace the Mary Magdalene/Sarah mythology, but I needed to Embrace the Realities of Sexuality being part of a Sacred~High Frequency spirituality. I was reacquainted myself with the stories of Troubadours, the rise of the Romanticism of "celibate" Adoration, The Reclaiming of Ancient Symbols of the Sacred Feminine in "Christ~Centred" Theology and the Delight of "Seeing" a Baby Girl, as the Divine Child, and OffSpring of Divinely Human Parents in the "Christ" story.

The other reading I did was in conjunction with my trying something called Visual Therapy. The book I was recommended to read was: "Take off Your Glasses And See" by Jacob Liberman. Within 6 months following some of the Guidelines and using all my energy learned power of Intention my eyesight at 52, my glasses prescription could be cut in half. I still don't need Bi focals. My eyesight had gradually gotten worse since I was 11 years old. The meditative part of the therapy is invaluable. The "perception" questions ...the What do you not want to See questions healing. As I reflect back now, this beginning to Change again how I See was a Key in My evolving Perception of the World and Myself.

That Christmas, while staying with friends, I received an awareness of a Call to pilgrimage to Canadian Sacred places. I needed to "attune myself" to find and take pictures of Portals to the Holy as I discovered them in People, Locations, Animals, Plants….you get the drift. And I had a sense I needed to use all that to write a book of the experience.

2004 began with preparing for the Journey. I began to organize the camping equipment I would need. Being 52 and sensitive to Cold, I wanted to make certain I had basics of Comfort on the journey. This was a Pilgrimage of Perception not Sacrifice. I needed a more precise focus of Call….all is fine to take pictures of Portals to the Holy but for what Purpose? I awakened early one morning in December with the Prayer of St. Francis going through my head, and with it also came the Intention for the Journey.

The prayer reads as follows:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith ;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Having meditated with this for a while the following Mission Intention flowed out of me:


Pilgrimage~Mission Intention

"In that I have participated in violent relationships, and live in a world that has used violence and violating control in the Name of God, this journey I make is a Transformative journey. Every step I take I take to transform myself and the world's history of violence. Violence comes in different forms: emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, energetic, verbal. Violence exists in our lack of integrity, our unkindness, our taking life for granted and our "not putting to right" that which we have violated. Violence exists where Grace is Scarce and the need for control is great. I want to walk and breathe a prayer for forgiveness and transformation for us all. With every step I take, I pray that the Spirit of Shalom--the peace that is created by true righteousness, kindness, justice, compassion, trust, joy, and love for God, self and neighbor--Will infuse our universe. I pray that the planet, all living creatures and the whole communion of saints may offer up their prayers with me as I walk with the intention of increasing the universal vibration to one of Holy Shalom -- Wholly Peace. I pray that loving peace will replace fear.

I am called to walk for peace--to be a Peace Walker. I am being called to take this journey trusting in my own Sacred Self, Calling forth the Spirit of Shalom from the hearts of people, the animals and environment by trusting the Spirit to lead me to my daily bread and shelter. Like Jesus, Hildegard, St. Theresa of Lisieux and St. Francis I am being called to journey in faith, sharing the vision and intention with whoever crosses my path. I look forward to welcoming the companionship of anyone who wishes to join me for part of the Journey."

Initially I considered traveling through the Peace Valley on to the West Coast. …and yet I knew I needed to just let the Spirit lead me day by day. A couple of my friends were dealing with a high level of anxiety around my safety in "walking" along the side of the road on my proposed route. In my own awareness of "retreat" or "pilgrimages" the participant gathers prayers to take with him/or her on the journey, so I began to prepare a letter of my intention to those on My Christmas card list stating my departure date would be Easter Monday….liturgically correct and all….. ~_~……

At the End of February I was in the midst of getting my letter copied when my phone died….okay it fell in the tub, but consequently it Drowned…..~_+……….I got a replacement for that before the day was out through email connections, and then my internet connection went dead. I could "feel" that the Spirit was trying to get a message through to me, but my receivers were not working so I called an intuitive healer friend to "see" if she could "hear" what I was missing. "You aren't going to like this," she started by saying, "but I think you need to wait a year before beginning this journey." I was open to delay a bit but not a frigging year after all the fear was working through to get this far in planning…. The day I sent out my pilgrimage letter, naming Easter Monday as my day of departure, I went for a crystal bowl healing session and that healer concluded our session saying: " I think you need to postpone this pilgrimage some…..too much clearing going on the planet right now"….It was a cold Canadian night, I was dealing with a real chest cold, indignantly expressing to Great Spirit something like "I've just sent out 80 letters….how am I going to have any credibility that this is Real and not me just being crazy if I change this???"

The next morning I was awakened with a loud knocking on my door….It was the mail man….with every letter I had posted the day before….my credibility on changing the date was no longer at issue. And as though to "really" make sure I got it, I had two other encounters with people who expressed deep concern over my pilgrimage. One from someone I met once as a "romantic possibility" ….we had talked frequently on the phone for a couple of weeks and then broke off communication SIX YEARS BEFORE….apparently he had begun thinking of me a lot with a sense of foreboding on my account. He basically phoned mutual friends to get my number to tell me he was getting bad vibes don't go……..!!!!!!!!!!!! The other one was former parishoners...Mother ~ Daughter. The Mother's (my age) response was "Dell, says if you were in his family he wouldn't let you go. You just need to love yourself, and you don't have to go on a pilgrimage to do that". And the 18 year old Wise Daughter, when I asked what she thought, said, "Well, on the List of Stupid, its up there"!!!! ~_~ I got that world view alot. ~_+

I decided to postpone the trip until May 26th….that would delay me for over a month. The other thing that came clear was I needed to change my Route. I decided to fly straight to Campbell River on Vancouver Island and begin my pilgrimage there. It was really amazing how much more at peace my friends were when this decision was made. A good sign…I pay attention to friends vibes even if I don't let them determine what the out come is…..It felt like confirmation that I was on track.

There were a couple of really important "planning factors" that I am continually grateful for. One was the inspiration to see myself surrounded in a Sacred Medicine Wheel/Circle/Hoop with 8 Spiritual Companions …..

North: Jesus
Northeast: Mary Magdalene
East: AA Raphael
South East: Hildegard de Bingen
South: St. Francis
South West: St. Bridgit
West: St. Teresa of Lisieux
North West: Quan Yin
Centre: The Shekinah

I gathered little symbols for each and put them in a little medicine bag to take with me.

In one of the Energy treatments I received, the theme, "Realm Walker" came up and in the treatment it was like a New Spiritual Body was beginning to grow in my Energetic Field as well as a huge sense of the Presence of Melchizedek…one that both I and the healing touch practitioner picked up on. [Melchizedek is a Character in Hebrew scriptures that encounters Abraham with Bread and Wine, and in the book of Hebrews, Christ is declared as a "priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek".] That night as I pondered what "Realm Walker" might mean for me I happened to be watching a TV documentary on Aboriginal Spirituality and the term came up in reference to those who are Present with those who have "passed on"….if someone was an addict in this life, they would benefit from someone on this side of the veil being Present with them as they adjusted into their new Spiritual Form and "location"….Another form of "working within" "Portals to the Holy".

Some of my Peace Pilgrimage homework was talking with some people whose spiritual Journey I thought might be interested. They enriched my foundation for Pilgrimage profoundly. For instance from one I learned how much the War in Iraq had to do with fuel economics. AND that the Images of Violence in Media had increased up 400% in a short length of time. I became aware of how often an Image of Violence, calls us to Peace rather than an Image Peace inviting us to Peace.

I found I needed to develop a logo for myself and my journey…..two other friends, who dedicated much time and energy in supporting me in the preparatory activities, helped immensely in that. Earth Mother Friend and I were discussing two images I had going on in my head....One a Blue heart with energy, and the other the Planet in God Hands. I wondered which I should give her to reflect on. It was her 8 yearold Wise Son that said, without taking his eyes off his own cut and paste project....."Use both". That's exactly how it started....my Icon emerged was a Heart Shaped EARTH surrounded my Green energy….. I had read about Hildegard de Bingen's Greening power, Verdatis, but it took Artist to reveal to me that this was also an Energy that Emily Carr, the Canadian impressionist painter wrote about and painted in her work depicting the West Coast and lst Nations locations. As it turned out I carried a card with my BodySpirit Balance logo on one side and Artists 4 Peace on the other. The actual development of my logo is a chapter in and of itself!!


The finally preparatory "test" came the end of April,
when a friend asked me to go to Hungary with him
on a Peace Conference. I took my concern
on a mini vision quest visiting a Healer friend who
lives in Buffalo country…….complete with
a view of Chief Mountain in Montana. My mini vision quest was answered……

By the time I left it was clear to me that MY journey was as I had already imagined…in Canada beginning on Vancouver Island.

The Seeker begins ........

I performed my last pastoral duty with a mainline denomination the first Sunday in May 1998. It was then I needed to figure out what to do.

I first began to "advertise" myself as a Chaplin for the "Unchurched", and thus identified what I was doing as "Spirituality for the UnChurched". The Mainline church I had been part of "forbids" former ministers to practice ministry outside institutional bounds, in fear that the Congregational life will be compromised and not kept within institutional guidelines. Never the less I began offering my services for Spiritual Companionship, Retreat/Workshop Facilitator, Alternative Healing and Sacred Rites such as Funerals, Weddings and rites of passage. I needed to let this go in order to become computer literate through a kind of "assistant administrator" course offered through Unemployment. I was living in a large City at this time.

I also entered into a new relationship with someone totally outside of the Church who was employed with another Institution. I had had a history of abusive relationships, and after leaving the last one I initially had a deep feeling I shouldn't even Entertain ideas of co-habitation for five years. The therapist I was seeing at the time challenged this, indicating that real health for me would be in ignoring my fears and going for it. Instead of listening to my own Wisdom, I followed the therapists advice and "ignored" my fear. When we first decided to co-habit it was with the understanding I would be a stay at home wife and support for my new Step Son.

My Sabbatical lasted a year before the Church Court demanded that I "pay my dues" and get involved politically in the Church Court Structures. To do so would violate my whole sense of call in the reasons I asked for a Sabbatical in the first place. A year wasn't long enough. As I prayed about whether or not I could go back to the church I found myself wondering if I was even a Christian anymore…..I even went on a Retreat to be able to sort this out between Spirit and myself. I came back from the retreat convinced that I was Still Devoted to the Christ Consciousness but I was not happy with my relationship with the Church. My final decision on staying in the Church came about when I was thinking of volunteer work, and realizing that my "ordination" would give me credibility. The moment I articulated that out loud, I KNEW that was PRECISELY why I needed to leave. I needed to be recognized, and "listened" to for My OWN SAKE and Integrity rather than the "role" sanctioned by an Institutionalized community.

The letter confirming my total withdrawal from the Church membership came two weeks before I was married on the Eve of the new Millennium.

I wish I could say I was blissed with Love and Freedom….

Alas, two weeks into the New Millennium, as I was trying to get into shape in an exercise class, I strained my back. I was flat on my back for at least three weeks, with little movement. As I began to Dialogue with my body, as to what it needed, I began to listen again to some of my Carolyn Myss tapes. As she began to speak about the Chakras as the Sacraments, I had a "vision" of the church having been this great Energetic Girdle that supported/encased me…..without it my back had given way. Having been the Celebrant of those very Sacraments it was as though Leaving the Church I needed to begin to build a New Body for myself. It was then I discovered Pilates as a Prayer to rebuild My Core….My ability to Stand Up for my Own Truth without "acceptance" of an Authoritative Body. The whole basis of the breath in Pilates is to engage one's inner abs and breathe into one's upper back of the lungs, thus reducing movement on the Rib cage…..SUPPORTING ONE SELF….beginning to build a Body that can Stand Up For It's Self.

Amidst a very stressful New marriage, my husband began dealing with his own Vocational/MidLife Crisis, while I attempted to go back to University to train for a new Vocation. I had done an undergrad in Recreation, and was from an athletic family, so the natural thing to do was to register in a Personal Fitness Trainers course at a local university. I was in peri~ menopause, and even with ALL the reading I did, and the theme, "keep your stress low" I plunged into a course that demanded my ALL with the Intention of Providing myself with a Vocation that allowed me to take care of my own need for health, and income. My husband found it very stressful to be the only Bread Winner, so I was desperate to get as much training in so that, at 49 years old, I had some reasonable chance of employment. I envisioned a business called BodySpirit Balance where I was going to create a Wholistic Personal Fitness Service for those who were in it for their Overall Health…it would help me address my need to build up bone density in my already osteoperenic state…. Spiritually making connections with the Body's Journey. In addition I began taking courses on the weekends so that I could get my papers to do fitness classes, and Healing touch to Compliment the Personal Fitness Training. In 4 months my health began to drastically suffer. One day in class, as we were taking each other's blood pressure, the Professor discovered mine was 85/50……I managed to make it through the second term. Unfortunately finishing the course was not possible because I had developed full-fledged Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I knew I could not get "better" in the relationship I was in, yet It didn't feel like "TIME to LEAVE" until I was able to let go of all my frustrated bitterness toward my partner.... assisted with the penduluum based Spiritual Response Therapy done with a creative friend.

When I look back at this time, there are some Significant Gifts in the midst of a great deal of Hell.

I met One of My Closest Healer Friends….we share a commonality of Energy and Spiritual Language and a sense that we have Been each other's Guardian Angel before….we have developed an amazing long distance healing practice with each other, that has increased my way of Intercessory Prayer.

I learned that in matters of MY TRUTH if my wisdom tells me one thing and an Authority tells me another I follow my Truth. This was learned through experience with the Institution of Western medicine as well as the Church.

I had an amazing Spiritual friendship with my Stepson...and from my perspective, I helped him make it through High School giving him a Space between Warring parents and he helped me survive as long as I did in the marriage.

I read Barbara Brennan's Hands of Light and Alice A. Bailey 's Esoteric Healing, and began to identify the Vibration of Sacred Scripture …....It is A Power in the Transmission through Word that Transforms/Energizes/Blesses the reader on Esoteric levels, When one moves out of the need to intellectually understand, to a Heart's openness to Work with Sacred Energies. Knowing the Power of the Bible energetically and how to use it to heal, helps one identify other Sacred sources. I have had a profound experience of the Power of the Judaic Torah and Christian Greek Scriptures as much in their energy than in the actual thought forms they may transmit...that being said I know the power Energetic Writings can have in the Unhealth of my being too....the bible has plenty of examples about Karmic use of Spiritual and Political Power, and the examples can be the worst side of the human condition.


I learned that Post Traumatic Stress, Fibromyelgia and Chronic Fatigue have some bio-chemical commonality. I learned that with Post Traumatic, the muscles are in Constant contraction thus creating a destructive hormonal chemistry in Hyper Vigilance. The ONLY "Something" that can reverse this bio-chemical and muscular cycle of hypervigilence is Meditation. For my Physiology class I did research on the meditative techniques that have offered Healing modalities for people….including those that I could use through Personal Fitness training such as Yoga, T'ai chi, Pilates, Meditation walk, as well as the various forms of Inward Mediation.

I had also began visioning an Icon for myself as well as my "Vocation",
and that is a whole chapter in and of itself.

I learned enough physiology and muscle mechanics of muscle building and stretching that I have since used it all in my own Visual Prayer for Self Healing.

The Energy classes I took during this time were
Transformational.......the session exchanges between
friends Communion itself......I would have never
survived without the energy work I was involved
in at the time.....and the Spiritual Landscape
that can be shared when one deals in
the Nuances of Energy.

I was mightily blessed with Crone Friends to Celebrate my 50th....the Buffalo Jaw bone with the Painting Jacob's Ladder is one of my Sacred Totem Possession.....as is the Faerie that hangs in welcome above my front Door.


I learned I need people in my life that KNOW and ARE OPEN to GRACE.

You know, for a time that was so heartbreaking for those involved, A lot of Lessons were Learned and Grace Received. ~_~

The Beginnings…..Re~Viewing the Path that Brought me here ……

LETTER TO THE CHURCHES

originally:
REASONS FOR SABBATICAL

May 1998

In 1991 I was in the midst of an intense "intentional interim Ministry" in Ontario and I was asked to do the funeral for a neighbours' seventeen~year~old son. While I knew my neighbours by name, I did not KNOW them. My work, commuting and family took all the energy my introverted self could muster. It felt like hypocrisy that I would spend all my energy in ministry on a two church pastoral charge 40 minutes drive from my farm home, and yet knot have the energy left over to know my neighbours except in times of crisis. It was then that it seemed to hit me, that most of Jesus' ministry was outside the synagogue, with those on the fringe, rather than those already in the religious structure.

I read God hates Religion by Christopher Levan. I found myself being inwardly challenged at Ministry within the Church. Some of the quotes that really resonated with me were:

"Linked with the institutional process of religion
are the vested interests of priests and other Church
officials. Salaries and living allowances are all
dependent on gathering people and their financial
resources into one place ….all too often they (financial
issues) are the only reason some church institutions
remain unchanged through the years. If money talks
in our culture, it's most consistent speech to religion
begins with a variation on the theme "play it safe"."

Chris reminded his readers, that initially Jesus sent the 72 out two by two, and that they were to expect no money. Food, shelter, etc. was a gift from the preacher's host indicating that the person had understood that God's reign needed to be lived through the gift of hospitality. The missionaries were called to eat and sleep by trust, thus the prayer, "Give us this day our daily bread" was one a person prayed carefully.

Disciples were to live an egalitarian lifestyle "entering into towns a unknowns, without status, sharing what they had to offer. The very act of homelessness meant putting themselves at risk, leaving the protection of clan ties and community structures and living beyond the comfortable confines of Law and Order." This lack of having an established "church" home meant that both the disciples and the new converts were Materially and Spiritually, the "church" on the "Way." Levan points out how this way of being in faith emphasized "theological incompleteness by living without the assurance of iron clad answers". Secondly missionaries had no time to set themselves up as a focal point of religious activities. This style of Spiritual communication quite clearly gives individuals the freedom and responsibility for their own faith." (p.55)

Chris went on to say "the original idea of Jesus of Nazareth was not to establish a New "Jesus Cult" so much as to disestablish the unhelpful approach to faith institutionalized in the religion of his day ….it may be that the time has come to rejuvenate the Spiritual pilgrimage, the physical journey that embodies the movement of the Soul. Is this not a faithful response to the gospel's story of going out on the road? In an itinerant church, the resources are not wasted on buildings, but reserved for those we meet on the journey--the lost and the wounded."

I found myself being challenged as to how I was practicing ministry in the ....institution. I felt uneasy because I did not feel I was living in a way that was true to the Spirit of Jesus' teaching by receiving a salary from the church.

The following year, I had the opportunity to take two continuing education courses with Tom Harper. In both courses and in his book For Christ's Sake, Tom tells the story of the spring that flows in the desert wilderness where travelers discover that this water not only "satisfies their thirst, but satisfied deeper needs as well. Somehow in drinking at the source they found their minds and bodies healed, their hopes and courage growing strong again. Life became rich with fresh meaning. They found they could pick up their various burdens and take to the way once more with new hearts. They called the spot "the Place of Living Waters" and the spring itself, "the Water of Life".

Generation after generation people tried to protect the spring by placing boulders of gratitude, bricking over the well and then "establishing a Special Caste of Men, With Special robes and a language all their own Who came into being to set rules for preserving the purity of the well. Access was no longer free to all, and disagreements as to who could drink there, and when and how, sometimes grew so bitter that wars were fought over them".

Now those who were in search of this water of life could not find it. Only certain people were allowed access. "From time to time strange men came in from the wilderness saying that those who guarded the ancient well should "repent" and tear away all the obstructions so that the masses might drink and be restored. Later they would be called prophets and honoured greatly in the Shrine. But at the moment of their protest they were rejected. Indeed many were put to death.

"And so in the end the vast majority of people who journeyed along the route avoided the now-sacred "place of living waters" and survived whatever way they could. Many, when they passed the shrine and recalled the stories they had learned in youth about the hidden spring were seized with nostalgia and longings too deep to utter. Others struggled on embittered by cynical doubt that the healing waters had ever existed. But sometimes in the night, when all the chanting and ceremonies were stilled, those few pilgrims who stole into the shrine to rest for a moment in some corner out of sight were sure they could hear an almost miraculous sound. From somewhere deep under the foundations of the great rock structure there came the faint echo of running water. and their eyes would brim with tears". (Prologue of For Christ's Sake, Tom Harper)

This reading has evoked in me a deep need to search out what it means to be someone called into "ordered ministry".

I am asking myself questions such as how much am I a part of status quo?

Am I truly free to Make or Live prophetic statements as I feel called?

How much does depending on Church politics and Church structures to give me economic security influence my call to live out my prophetic responsibility?

Is "the church" truly the only valid faith community available to sustain faith or has it become a place of obligation where I as a church member add unneeded burdens on the shoulders of others as I plead for "faithful loyalty and service"?

Has my own use of theological and faith jargon made my declaration of the Good News of Jesus Christ something only an exclusive group can understand?

How does the mainline church reach those in our community who have not had a church connection or who find the church an unsafe place to be?

How do I offer a ministry of reconciliation and new life to the unchurched?

I have an ongoing interest in the Ministry of Healing. This has led me to reading Caroline Myss' work. In her tape, Three Levels of Power (Sounds true publishing), she speaks of Tribal Power, Individual Power and Symbolic power and our need to master each. Tribal power is described as that group mind or group thought form that defines reality for us. She suggests that a person works and grows at the speed of the group and indeed healing moves in accordance with group norms and "rules". The tribe determines the proper channels for healing. In the area of Tribal power, the tribe decides what experiences are legitimate and which are not. At this time I feel called to distance myself from church Structures in order to clarify my own awareness of what is the truth that I truly KNOW and am TRANSFORMED by in Christ, and what tribal realities contribute to my unhealth. I need to discern what of my institutionalization is Christ -Centred and what has become oppressive and spiritually crippling for me.

These questions deserve to be addressed in the form of a Sabbatical because I am questioning not only my own Behalf but also as one who was ordained to the ministry of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care. The Word has to do with Truth. I need to discern the TRUTH THAT I EMBODY by moving more into the level of personal power. I desire to communicate it in a non-jargon form if it is possible. To address the conflict of interest issue I have been experiencing in being prophetic with an institution that pays my salary, I feel it is necessary to find work that can support me financially. St Paul maintained his tent making vocation while doing his ministry and for years now I have felt the need to have an occupation that I can have while not in paid accountable ministry. In this age when ministers out number pastoral charges I consider myself practicing good stewardship. I am searching for ways to do ministry outside of an institutionalized structure to personally experiment with an alternative way of doing a prophetic and pastorally caring ministry.

….I do not want to permanently server myself from the ......."institution". I do need time to address the issues that have been evoked in me through Levan and Harper. As the church itself re-examines how it delivers the Good news I feel my questions and my journey embody the same spirit of exploration and discernment of how to be the church in the New millennium. Your prayers are always welcome as I face this challenging time of examining different way of expressing the ministry of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care.

Welcome to The View from a Pink Hermitage.

You are joining me on a Pilgrimage toward Peace….Toward a Peace that Begins WITHIN….A Peace that requires of us our Heart, Mind, Soul, Strength and Spirit.

I feel very Blessed with the Sense of Adventure that I have about Life. The Spiritual Quest of Seeking first the Kingdom of God, was given to me in the form a Children's version of Pilgrim's Progress. I was six years old and my father was missing and these were the stories I went to sleep by.

It was a story of what KIDS needed to know on the journey. Kids challenges. MY map to adventure, with the dangerous spots, and the joyous spots marked. It has always been an adventure to see my life from the Eyes of a Pilgrim Spirit…..or Knight of the Holy Grail....and to develop what I still think of as "Kingdom of God Vision" .

As you read, you will be sharing in a profound journey of healing and hope. A journey of disengaging from the Conditioning of Patriarchal Institutionalism into a deeper Earth Truth…. a Body Peace where one who suffering the prison of Complicated Post Traumatic Stress and thus a constant anxiety, discovers Liberation and Healing….PostTrauma/Battle Fatigue/Shell Shock/Prisoner syndromes…..where the Memory and Body no longer release horror to the past, but bring them into the present with only a whisper piece of memory……a psychological form of time travel….the trauma happens all over again.

I am a recent fan of the X~Files due to two friends immense generosity. To my Virgo joy!!!......the extra's included the Creative Process on interview…….and Chris Carter described the "personal lives of Scully and Muldar" as the Mythology………

I have a sense this blog will unfold between Mythology~~My Story in Chronos Time…...and a Something that comes to me or came to me Somewhere on the journey in Chiros time.

I ask too….that you take a LOOK at the photo's….not for their Professional beauty….but that they really are Portal's to the Holy.

With all My Heart,

Deborah Lynne